Content warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts
tl;dr: finished transition, am lonely, invisible, bored and suffering, don't know what to do.
When I started my transition I was miserable, but I endured everything, worked on myself, had bad times and even some very good moments. I eventually solved most of my problems. But life as it is now is not enjoyable. I am alone and suffering. I can't go on forever like this. Things need to improve and I don't know how anymore. I want to have real connections again, a place I feel welcome, a significant other.
Feel free to comment on anything I wrote here. Spare some kind words maybe.
About me: I am in my thirties, started transitioning about 10 years ago. Financially stable although somehow I can't keep a job for long. Living situation is ok(left my hometown 3 years ago). I have 2 people I consider friends currently.
My transness: I am definitely trans. Been in denial till I wasn't. Got HRT, my name changed. Getting euphoria from bottom surgery and breast implants, getting gendered female, dressing fem when I feel like it. No doubt about it.
Progress: I learned a lot in therapy. Mostly how to deal with feelings. Healthy coping mechanisms. It really helped with all the shit I experienced in the last years. I started lifting weights again. Done it for most of my life. I stopped it when I started HRT to look less "manly". Now that I lost most of my muscle mass and reduced my gender dysphoria through various things I don't mind getting buff again. Like running, which I never stopped doing, it also helps with my mental health. So thats nice. I wish I could work out even more, it helps my low self esteem.
Alcohol: I improved overall in reducing my alcohol consumption. Switched from booze to beer and wine. Less drinks overall. Analyzing the reasons why I feel compelled to drink and trying to change it(coping and loosening up around people). Also alcohol doesn't feel so good anymore, it ruins my sleep and it messes with my workouts.
Living as trans: I don't really pass as a woman. I could pass better, if I would wear makeup and adapt my style. But I don't feel like doing that. Getting misgendered(which happens maybe 30% of the time) is no big deal. I am used to it and it doesn't hurt very much. I mostly dress androgynous and more of a butch style(although with long hair). I am rather tall for a woman and a bit wide(shoulders) but I have seen women with the same build. I don't experience discrimination, hate or rejection in life as a trans woman(still surprised by that). I don't get stares, remarks or people laughing or asking strange questions. I am basically invisible most of the time, but I do get asked for directions kinda regularly, so I got that. Dating is a mess. T4T is the only thing that seems viable and I do like trans femmes the most(but yeah, my the dating pool is tiny).
Loneliness: Since moving from small to a medium to now a big city I had plenty opportunities to find friends. But so far it wasn't successful. Had a couple relationships, some even lasting multiple years. Friendships too, but with moving cities and life happening they all vanished. So I know what I am missing. I met people and made some friends but nothing worked longtime. Eventually people stop responding and the chats die down. I don't get invited anymore. The conversations are shallow or I don't connect with them.
So far I tried: Volunteering, maker-spaces, hacker-spaces, repair cafes, dating apps, trans meet ups, queer meet ups, leftist self managed spaces, online spaces, pride events, protest events. The one place that I haven't really tried are clubs. I was told spicy stuff happens there. People hooking up, having fun, etc. I am kinda ace and can't deviate from my sleeping routine(morning Person), also I hate loud places, so I avoid those(went there a couple times over the years).
I am an introvert and still have some social anxiety. But I try my best. Looking for like-minded people, trying to start a conversation, just showing up and being a familiar face in case other people strike up a conversation because I suck at that.
The loneliness really hurts. Plus I have low self esteem that makes me feel like I will never excel at anything. Those two things make me feel awful at times and are the only things that can break me. Like, it drives me to the point where I think about detransitioning just so I can have a a better chance at finding friends or a partner. I have been suicidal because of that. But I can cope, for now. I grudgingly started doing more solo activities. Hiking, solo day trips, reading in public. All without seeking out people as a motivation. I have lost a lot of hope that things will improve.
Identity: In my desperation I feel compelled to try to change things about me. Trying more makeup, playing with clothes, acting differently. Maybe passing better might change things but I don't know and I am comfortable with being an androgynous slob. I tried to reinvent myself, but its futile. In the end I return to my original self.
Mental health: I stopped taking my SSRI after 5 years continuous using. I don't think it helped me much. I only have mild to medium depressive episodes lasting 2 days max and occurring maybe 1-4 times a month, now I am closer to one episode a month. My therapist back then insisted on them when I was suicidal in '17. I am at a much better space mentally since then. I can manage stress, depressive episodes, breakdowns. The suicidal episodes are slowly creeping back into my life. I am thinking about getting a therapist again. But I don't know if that and medication are even necessary. Also getting a therapist in Germany is a pain in the ass.
Just know you're not alone in this, low self esteem is very common in trans populations (and comorbid autistic populations, for those of us with both). Cognitive behavioral therapy can help - walking through how the low self esteem thoughts are often arbitrary or even just flat out wrong, etc. - this is an area where work with a therapist might continue to be useful?
You've had breast implants and a vaginoplasty, but you think detransitioning will help your chances of finding friends or a partner? What was your mental health like on testosterone, do you think taking testosterone would improve your mental health and social anxiety?
I guess I'm not sure I see this as entirely logical, and I'm wondering if I'm missing something - it sounds like what is really being expressed here is that passing as cis would improve your chances at finding friends, in which case what I wonder is why that isn't a goal or thought, instead of detransitioning why not lean into your transition more to affirm yourself and pass full-time?
I don't know what causes you to not pass 30% of the time, but identifying the causes and working on them could really help your mental health, at least that's true for me. Either way, investing in what it takes to pass as cis and then living in an assimilated / stealth way might be better for you and more effective for reaching your goals than detransitioning ...
so, this does sound like you are experiencing what I playfully call "gender rotting".
For a trans person, it takes work to change your voice, appearance, etc. and conform to cis norms, but for many of us the "easy" and comfortable thing is also dysphoria-inducing and damages our mental health. For me, an example would be relaxing my voice causing me to sound more like a man, which then makes me feel awful and dysphoric (as well as threatening to out me as trans in social situations).
So in my experience, it's just a matter of continuing to make persistent effort to feminize and live as your gender even when it's hard, but without being so effortful that you burn out and quit trying.
It's more important that you keep trying than being perfect or succeeding immediately or always - but the comfortable "androgynous slob" life might be not mentally good for you, and might make it harder for you to integrate into a cis-normative society. It's one thing if being gender non-conforming and androgynous is particularly affirming and positive for you (then what makes you "you" and happy is pitted against social norms, which is hard), but it's another thing if you don't feel great that way and you're just doing it because it takes effort to feminize.
To be honest, this is not just a trans experience - cis women also feel this battle and constant pressure to conform it gender norms, and they too can go through the self esteem issues, the gender rotting (not shaving, wearing sweatpants, not washing your hair, etc.), and so on.
I'm also noticing besides identifying the default / easy way of being as negative ("androgynous slob"), but you also essentialize - that because it's default or easy that it's what you really are, but this is just your low self esteem / "brainworms" talking. I struggle with this too (how could you not!?) - because my voice is naturally male sounding, I just assume when I'm feminizing my voice I'm being artificial and my "true" nature is this disgusting maleness. But this isn't really true - if it were, I wouldn't be feminizing my voice and I wouldn't be oriented this way, hating the way my voice sounds. Instead it's almost better to think of it like a disability - my body has been wrecked by testosterone and my mind has been abused by being forced to live as a man - and I live now with the negative side effects.
But if I weren't essentially a woman on the inside, I would have never done the insane things it takes to overcome having a male body and having been forced to live as a boy such that I can live as a woman now. If I were essentially that male slob I would have lived that way forever - but that's not who I am, that's just dysphoria.
This intersects with a comment I've made in the past, it's not infrequent that people ask what they can do about dysphoria, and this was my answer. One of the pieces of advice I gave seems relevant here:
Being able to regularly re-affirm / feel yourself as a woman is a way to combat the self-loathing and "gender rotting" that happens.
In my experience, feminizing and then passing as a woman tends to correlate with increased happiness for me - I notice if I never go outside my house and I don't end up doing makeup or washing my hair, etc. I end up with more frequent and more severe dysphoria. On days when I wash my hair, have social plans, etc. (as stressful and as much work as it is), I usually feel much better and have less dysphoria those days (and even the rest of the day).
In my experience it can also be hard to be in trans spaces or spaces that are masculine coded, so I have to titrate those experiences. Even going to a trans support group once a month can be a lot for me.
All this to say, just notice what makes you feel better and happier and what makes you feel worse - and then lean into what improves your mental health and avoid what worsens it.
Also, it should be said you just had a major life event by moving to a big city, and even people without the struggle of being trans find this overwhelming and lonely. Certainly take positive action to improve your mental health (seeing a therapist, feminizing more, making and spending time with cis girlfriends, etc.), but also just know that it won't always be like this and you will make friends and connections in the big city and life will become more normal.
Let me know if you need someone to chat with, I'm on Matrix and my DMs are open. Just know you aren't alone, that you are worth it, and that you are so close - lots of trans people would love to pass 70% of the time and have your life, and I say that not to shame you or say you should be grateful or something, but instead because at the very least you should see the hope in this, to see how small the gap is now.
Good luck dear, I wish you happiness and joy 💖