Transfem

Content warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts

tl;dr: finished transition, am lonely, invisible, bored and suffering, don't know what to do.

When I started my transition I was miserable, but I endured everything, worked on myself, had bad times and even some very good moments. I eventually solved most of my problems. But life as it is now is not enjoyable. I am alone and suffering. I can't go on forever like this. Things need to improve and I don't know how anymore. I want to have real connections again, a place I feel welcome, a significant other.

Feel free to comment on anything I wrote here. Spare some kind words maybe.

About me: I am in my thirties, started transitioning about 10 years ago. Financially stable although somehow I can't keep a job for long. Living situation is ok(left my hometown 3 years ago). I have 2 people I consider friends currently.

My transness: I am definitely trans. Been in denial till I wasn't. Got HRT, my name changed. Getting euphoria from bottom surgery and breast implants, getting gendered female, dressing fem when I feel like it. No doubt about it.

Progress: I learned a lot in therapy. Mostly how to deal with feelings. Healthy coping mechanisms. It really helped with all the shit I experienced in the last years. I started lifting weights again. Done it for most of my life. I stopped it when I started HRT to look less "manly". Now that I lost most of my muscle mass and reduced my gender dysphoria through various things I don't mind getting buff again. Like running, which I never stopped doing, it also helps with my mental health. So thats nice. I wish I could work out even more, it helps my low self esteem.

Alcohol: I improved overall in reducing my alcohol consumption. Switched from booze to beer and wine. Less drinks overall. Analyzing the reasons why I feel compelled to drink and trying to change it(coping and loosening up around people). Also alcohol doesn't feel so good anymore, it ruins my sleep and it messes with my workouts.

Living as trans: I don't really pass as a woman. I could pass better, if I would wear makeup and adapt my style. But I don't feel like doing that. Getting misgendered(which happens maybe 30% of the time) is no big deal. I am used to it and it doesn't hurt very much. I mostly dress androgynous and more of a butch style(although with long hair). I am rather tall for a woman and a bit wide(shoulders) but I have seen women with the same build. I don't experience discrimination, hate or rejection in life as a trans woman(still surprised by that). I don't get stares, remarks or people laughing or asking strange questions. I am basically invisible most of the time, but I do get asked for directions kinda regularly, so I got that. Dating is a mess. T4T is the only thing that seems viable and I do like trans femmes the most(but yeah, my the dating pool is tiny).

Loneliness: Since moving from small to a medium to now a big city I had plenty opportunities to find friends. But so far it wasn't successful. Had a couple relationships, some even lasting multiple years. Friendships too, but with moving cities and life happening they all vanished. So I know what I am missing. I met people and made some friends but nothing worked longtime. Eventually people stop responding and the chats die down. I don't get invited anymore. The conversations are shallow or I don't connect with them.

So far I tried: Volunteering, maker-spaces, hacker-spaces, repair cafes, dating apps, trans meet ups, queer meet ups, leftist self managed spaces, online spaces, pride events, protest events. The one place that I haven't really tried are clubs. I was told spicy stuff happens there. People hooking up, having fun, etc. I am kinda ace and can't deviate from my sleeping routine(morning Person), also I hate loud places, so I avoid those(went there a couple times over the years).

I am an introvert and still have some social anxiety. But I try my best. Looking for like-minded people, trying to start a conversation, just showing up and being a familiar face in case other people strike up a conversation because I suck at that.

The loneliness really hurts. Plus I have low self esteem that makes me feel like I will never excel at anything. Those two things make me feel awful at times and are the only things that can break me. Like, it drives me to the point where I think about detransitioning just so I can have a a better chance at finding friends or a partner. I have been suicidal because of that. But I can cope, for now. I grudgingly started doing more solo activities. Hiking, solo day trips, reading in public. All without seeking out people as a motivation. I have lost a lot of hope that things will improve.

Identity: In my desperation I feel compelled to try to change things about me. Trying more makeup, playing with clothes, acting differently. Maybe passing better might change things but I don't know and I am comfortable with being an androgynous slob. I tried to reinvent myself, but its futile. In the end I return to my original self.

Mental health: I stopped taking my SSRI after 5 years continuous using. I don't think it helped me much. I only have mild to medium depressive episodes lasting 2 days max and occurring maybe 1-4 times a month, now I am closer to one episode a month. My therapist back then insisted on them when I was suicidal in '17. I am at a much better space mentally since then. I can manage stress, depressive episodes, breakdowns. The suicidal episodes are slowly creeping back into my life. I am thinking about getting a therapist again. But I don't know if that and medication are even necessary. Also getting a therapist in Germany is a pain in the ass.