WomensStuff

I am doing not so bad, not so good, so excuse me if I'm blunt/direct at some point.

First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling all this and I hope things (at least some things) start getting better with time.

Reading your text, I felt seen with some feelings of depression as I'm currently mildly to moderately depressed and already looking to get myself stable again.
But other parts reminded me of a person I love whose story also starts with undiagnosed autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions. Like many ND children, they got missed, yet the consequences were pilling.
They were bullied and rejected even by adults who thought the autism or the difficulties at school were 'an attitude', so that left an unstable self-esteem that was often depleted and very dependant of external inputs (this is a core feature of clinical narcissism, not grandiosity as we coloquially understand it, so their adult expression became a mix of cluster B personality disorders symptoms). In adolescence, their family's religion started to sound less and less credible, and so started the classic path to atheism/agnosticism and anxiety about death, meaning, etc. grew (present since childhood but partially calmed by religion before). Finally, through all these stages, binge eating was a way to calm the feelings (many times without noticing all of them completely), and that led to obesity and other problems. So the list of diagnoses is big: autism spectrum disorder, attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, learning disorder (dyslexia), persistent depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, specific phobia (thanatophobia), narcissistic personality disorder with some borderline and hystrionic traits, binge eating disorder, and I'm probably forgetting some. But the story is typical, very typical. ND child is neglected, gets sad with a lot of mental noise (neuroticism or however we want to call it, negative internal monologues, cluster B traits, etc.), and gets terrible coping mechanisms (and this looks different in all of us: substances, overeating, overspending, endless surgeries, sex addiction, frequent lying, etc.). A lot of trauma as a thread guiding this all. It's a spiral that starts early on.
Hurt brains sometimes are the more obsessive, perfectionist or hard on themselves. This person needed to work a lot on their self-compassion, well, still is working on it. Healing might take a lifetime, but I see they're doing better with time.

So... you reminded me of them. Many people do, actually, many ND folks. I know the book has its non-scientific moments, but it has a lot of useful information thoughtout the chapters. I really recommend 'The Body Keeps the Score' if you haven't read it. As I said, trauma is not uncommon in our stories.

I don't know if my radar is correct, but in case it is, be patient. Remember that healing our minds, our brains, takes time. Effort gets easier, but at first do as little as you can. Yes, it's enough and it's helpful.

I hope I'm not being... nosy. I hope my comment helps somehow. Hang in there.