Programmer Humor

I found a random PHP file online and recreated your trauma:

<?phpcz
jmennýprostor Itb;


třída OvladačUživatele
{
    soukromá §větev;

    veřejná funkce akcePřihlašovacíhoFormuláře()
    {
        §poleParametrů = [
            'názevStránky' => 'Přihlašovací formulář',
        ];
        §vzor = 'domov.html.větev';

        §html = §toto->větev->vykresli(§vzor, §poleParametrů);
        vypiš §html;
    }


    veřejná funkce zpracujPřihlašovacíAkci(§uživatelskéJméno, §heslo)
    {
        když(§toto->platnéÚdajeSprávce(§uživatelskéJméno, §heslo)) {
            §_SEZENÍ['uživatelskéJméno'] = §uživatelskéJméno;
            §poleParametrů = [
                'názevStránky' => 'Vzorový formulář',
            ];
            §vzor = 'domov.html.větev';

            §html = §toto->větev->vykresli(§vzor, §poleParametrů);
            vypiš §html;
        } jinak {
            §poleParametrů = [
                'názevStránky' => 'Formulář chyby přihlašování',
            ];
            §vzor = 'chybaPřihlášení.html.větev';

            §html = §toto->větev->vykresli(§vzor, §poleParametrů);
            vypiš §html;
        }
    }

    soukromá funkce platnéÚdajeSprávce(§j, §h)
    {
        když('admin' == §j && 'admin' == §h){
            vrať pravda;
        }
        jinak když('staff' == §j && 'staff' == §h){
            vrať pravda;
        } jinak {
            vrať nepravda;
        }
    }

    veřejná funkce jePřihlášen()
    {
        když(jenastaveno(§_SEZENÍ['uživatelskéJméno'])){
            vrať pravda;
        } jinak {
            vrať nepravda;
        }
    }

    veřejná funkce uživatelskéJménoZSezení()
    {
        když(jenastaveno(§_SEZENÍ['uživatelskéJméno'])){
            vrať §_SEZENÍ['uživatelskéJméno'];
        } jinak {
            vrať '';
        }
    }

}

Is this what it looked like? (I also took the liberty of replacing $ with § because of the Czech keyboard layout; FYI: yes we do have a $ available as AltGr+ů but § is in the base layer; I would also replace the backtick/grève `, which is obtained by pressing AltGr+š once or twice (OS-dependent), with °).

Edit: BTW my first code was in the "Imagine" program, a Logo IDE with Czech localization (including syntax: do, vz, vp, vl, puntík, smaž, domů, příkaz, konec, piš etc.). The documentation was piss-poor, I never learnt if it had arrays or code comments. The textbook I had didn't even mention variables, I only learned about them in a short PDF guide I found online. Before that, I would use pixels on the canvas as variables.

Had my 10yo self received a Python runtime instead, I wouldn't be stimied by the "you don't need to pass arguments if every variable is global" mindset I'm still struggling to overcome. I found programming challenges online and was able to solve most theoretical ones, but Imagine was too limited to implement all but the basic practical ones, not to mention that it ran way slower than Python would. I was convinced that the lack of speed was mostly the hardware's fault and that I would need a low-level language like C++ to solve the 1000×1000 inputs in some puzzles. I got in touch with the challenge authors and they suggested Eclipse but I couldn't get it to work. I was too overwhelmed by the English interface and documentation and barely knew what a compiler was. I learnt decent English soon after but the fear of IDEs stayed, and eventually I turned towards electronics instead.

There is something like this? 😂

Well, in PHP you cannot #define new words from some new language to mean basic language keywords.