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Thanks, you must have missed where I said I'm slowly unpacking all this in therapy. My therapist says I'm doing good, and that I'm not a racist monster because I'm putting in the effort, but that doesn't seem to be a common definition. In any case, I don't call myself colorblind any more, even if I don't understand why, people do react poorly, so I don't do it any more. This is retrospective.
But when I called myself 'colorblind' I wasn't saying "I don't care", I was saying "Okay, tell me what that means".
Like, when I came out, I absolutely hated how big of a deal people made about it. I had people "validate that I was different", but it felt like they were just making fun of me for being different because it was all weirdly patronizing. All this nonsense about "it's okay that you like boys and girls, you're still my friend" when I'm an adult who is into men and women, and I wouldn't have started hanging out with you if I thought you didn't like gay people? I'm still me, I haven't changed, and stroking my ego is just telling me that you feel weird around me now that you know I'm not 'normal'.
I still felt stereotyped and unwelcome, even though they were being "inclusive", and I don't want to do that to black people. I don't understand why that's racist.