Ask Lemmy

I personally hold a Consciousness-Only View, something like nondual Buddhism, and would say that your questions are on the right track but you're understandably trying to reconcile them with the consensus opinion of a materialistic world. Which leads to a nihilistic "this is all a simulation" line of thinking that still runs into the wall of duality - you're still putting an external force out there, acting upon you. As long as you believe that there are goal posts, you can move them indefinitely. It's a simulation within a simulation within a simulation and depending on your inclination, you can put a really depressing spin on it ("I'm being tormented").

But if you aren't actually experiencing life from a nondual angle (as you don't seem to be), the philosophy doesn't mean much. And to experience life with the freedom that comes from not experiencing yourself to be only the things you think you are takes a lot of practice - meditation etc. with a secure and healthy community around you. Unless you get lucky.

Up to you what you want to do with this all though. I only saw the little glimpse of your life that you divulged in the comments and as such I'd say, focus on what is most immediate to you. Get food. Take care of your body. Try to find a real-life community. Occasionally poke at your thoughts about what you VALUE and drill down - do you value the thing you said or do you value what you believe you will get with the thing you said? Make choices in life that help you live more according to your values. Stop spending excessive amounts of time online, especially if all the stories cause you anxiety.

Or you can just join a Buddhist monastery or something. You'll be taken care of and your identity as a second child or an immigrant inherently doesn't matter, but of course you'll be giving up a lot.