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This is a delight, and you are correct. That said, in the spirit of this silly thread, I provide solutions, below:
Yes. It will be time to get some roommates.
Yes. Or rather, exactly half of the house. Time to rent a storage unit, and put up some tarps to divide the entryway.
Better sell some.
Cost of living increases have long been understood and easy enough to calculate.
But - when I'm global leader, COLA for millionaires will only start after exactly as many years as the local minimum wage went without updates.