i haven't posted about myself to the broader trans community or tried to find other transfems who feel like me, but the more i keep my thoughts private the more alienated and alone i feel. i'm sure other people can relate to how my identity manifests for me. i'd like to share.
my physical body does not match the mental image i have of myself nor does it align with my gender identity. when i went through male puberty my dysphoria only got worse. i have the expected body of a man and this causes me significant anguish on a daily basis. staring at my reflection and not seeing a femininizing image looking back is so debilitating.
however, i was socialized and raised the way i was, and that was "as a boy." i have an attachment to my male youth and i find comfort and affirmation revisiting those periods and seeing myself as a boy in some corner of my headspace. i developed as a boy, i made friends in "boyish" ways, i had some typically male oriented interests, and i genuinely became attached to gay romance and sex that i began seeing myself as male-but-in-a-girl-way.
if i "feel male" to some degree then why can't i just be content being a man? who am i to say that i'm trans-anything? it's something i have struggled with my whole life, but i simply detest the label of "man" being applied to me. the idea of being seen as one feels like erasure of my own identity to satisfy the morality of someone who isn't me. i don't embody masculinity, i don't relate to it. more importantly, it causes me stress and physical reactions to be placed in the category of "man;" to be seen as broad shouldered, wide, bulky; a prominent forehead and thick arms and legs; to be assigned roles based on my perceived manliness
however, i do not see myself as a woman either. it doesn't cause me significant distress to be seen as one, merely i can recognize womanhood isn't what i'm channeling. whatever space i am occupying feels rather close, though. it is 10x easier to talk to women and i've noticed several traits of mine are regularly assigned to those same women and would be described as "feminine." it's clear to me that regardless of my varied interests that any gender could take part in, i run feminine as a default setting lol.
so, as someone who has a positive connection to certain aspects of masculinity and refers to themselves with he/they pronouns i think i'm at odds with the majority of transfems, but i genuinely feel like the label best represents me. if anyone is curious i can go in-depth or answer questions, i don't mind. hopefully one of ya'll can relate as well.
Sounds to me like you are just a normal human being. I use the label nonbinary although i identify more with the female side. The reason all these terms are so confusing to you is that unlike most people you thought about what you gender actually in more then 5 minutes and are not a liar. Gender as most define it today is mostly a bunch of made up nonsense that men came up with to somehow think of themselves as being superiour to women. Since women traditionally gave birth and raised children, took care of the house, did most of the actual work, men had to come up with all these ridiculous reasons for why they were important or needed. Its mainly boils down to men need to exist to protect familes from, wait for it, other men. So yes, problem, reaction, solution. Men are themselves the solution to problems they themselves create. The zame way men today conspire withceach other to pretend like they are going to nuke the world so they can steal all the valuable property without actually working for it. How else could they claim to be the head of the household and only the ones who could rightfully keep property, and the only ones who could inherit anything, or set the rules, or keep women as captives inside of marriage without coming up with this whole mythology of gender?
You aren't crazy gender is only peoples biological sex in the strict and ancient sense of the word. You could have boobs and wear a dress and makeup and still be a man, it doesnt make you less of a man, in fact it probably makes you nore of a man, not that you have or should identify that way, just that most of what people call gender is stupid made up nonsense. Religion is also full of this nonsense. Just identify how you like, man woman, nonbinary, or fluid, dont argue or try to explain yourself to people who dont care about what you have to say anyways, and only seek to reaffirm their own hate and stupid biases. You are just a perfectly normal person and since gender is mostly made up there is no reason to play into their dumb little paradigm. Just be yourself and identify with what you feel or identify with nothing at all. Whats important is you are happy and living your life in a way that makes you happy.