i haven't posted about myself to the broader trans community or tried to find other transfems who feel like me, but the more i keep my thoughts private the more alienated and alone i feel. i'm sure other people can relate to how my identity manifests for me. i'd like to share.
my physical body does not match the mental image i have of myself nor does it align with my gender identity. when i went through male puberty my dysphoria only got worse. i have the expected body of a man and this causes me significant anguish on a daily basis. staring at my reflection and not seeing a femininizing image looking back is so debilitating.
however, i was socialized and raised the way i was, and that was "as a boy." i have an attachment to my male youth and i find comfort and affirmation revisiting those periods and seeing myself as a boy in some corner of my headspace. i developed as a boy, i made friends in "boyish" ways, i had some typically male oriented interests, and i genuinely became attached to gay romance and sex that i began seeing myself as male-but-in-a-girl-way.
if i "feel male" to some degree then why can't i just be content being a man? who am i to say that i'm trans-anything? it's something i have struggled with my whole life, but i simply detest the label of "man" being applied to me. the idea of being seen as one feels like erasure of my own identity to satisfy the morality of someone who isn't me. i don't embody masculinity, i don't relate to it. more importantly, it causes me stress and physical reactions to be placed in the category of "man;" to be seen as broad shouldered, wide, bulky; a prominent forehead and thick arms and legs; to be assigned roles based on my perceived manliness
however, i do not see myself as a woman either. it doesn't cause me significant distress to be seen as one, merely i can recognize womanhood isn't what i'm channeling. whatever space i am occupying feels rather close, though. it is 10x easier to talk to women and i've noticed several traits of mine are regularly assigned to those same women and would be described as "feminine." it's clear to me that regardless of my varied interests that any gender could take part in, i run feminine as a default setting lol.
so, as someone who has a positive connection to certain aspects of masculinity and refers to themselves with he/they pronouns i think i'm at odds with the majority of transfems, but i genuinely feel like the label best represents me. if anyone is curious i can go in-depth or answer questions, i don't mind. hopefully one of ya'll can relate as well.
Have you seen a therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria, is trans-affirming, and works with trans patients?
You might want to work on this with a therapist, it's important to recognize the significance of your dysphoria.
To be honest, estrogen made my libido stronger (and different), and my orgasms are much better. I repressed my genital dysphoria effectively until I socially transitioned, then once I was living as a woman and recognizing dissociation I had always experienced during sex, I started to want to avoid that and realized I had significant genital dysphoria. It's hard to see, sometimes. Some people truly experience no dysphoria, some have a hard time recognizing it, etc.
For me, I think I could settle and live with a penis, but it would undermine my sense of being a woman. Having a scrotum was more disturbing, and erections sometimes would feel silly. Also, I just couldn't center myself in sex - I was happy to please and service others, but being the center of attention with male genitals made me disconnect from the scene as a coping strategy.
Anyway, estrogen can cause penile atrophy and make erections less hard, but you can use a testosterone cream on the penis and give yourself erections on a schedule to prevent that atrophy, you can absolutely have estrogen dominance while still maintaining a fully-functioning penis (though your mileage may vary). I was actually upset with how little penile atrophy I had, and how my libido seemed to strengthen rather than diminish. Both of those I was looking forward to - having a smaller, soft penis that didn't get erect at some point was something I desired, as well as reduced horniness.
Just know, you don't have to think of yourself as a woman for you to be a woman. When you experience dysphoria about being a man, and feel like your body should be feminine like a woman's - the absence of an intact certainty that you are a woman is not an invalidation that you are a woman. This is exactly how many women feel - I think only a minority of binary trans women were certain they were women and had an intact sense of being a woman. Most of us have to figure it out the hard way, and struggle with that. I certainly do, I don't think I'm a woman, and yet I can't deny that my dysphoria points me in one direction - I can't deny that being a woman feels good and right, that having a woman's body is affirming and positive to me.
I didn't even know I wanted a vagina before I had a vaginoplasty - I couldn't connect with those desires at all. But now, having a vagina is wonderful and a huge relief. I really had little awareness of how much male genitals had bothered me before, I was fully adapted to living as a man and that meant learning to ignore a lot of my feelings. It wasn't until after the surgery that I even started to catch myself feeling shame about having a penis when I would lie down - like a habit of feeling shame when a bulge might be visible ... then I realized there is no bulge anymore and felt massive relief.
Anyway - I don't know that there is any way I could have figured out I would feel this way before, but because I had gender dysphoria and read between the lines, every step I took towards being a woman ended up being very positive for me.
Usually the non-binary folks I know have significant attachment to not being seen as a woman and preferring to have a mix of traits, like having a big beard as well as breasts and so on. Even though I've lived longer with a "non-binary" label, I now realize I'm probably not non-binary, at least not in that way. It was just a way for me to avoid transitioning when I wasn't educated and didn't understand what dysphoria looked like.
EDIT: I also didn't know if I wanted breasts before I took estrogen, I was worried I would hate them or feel regret. Not everything was like that, I knew I didn't want body hair, or thick dark hair on my legs and arms, etc. Some things were easy for me to feel and be honest about, other things were much harder to be clear on and were confusing. I think everyone has different experiences around this, nobody can tell you for sure what you will want or not want.
so.. firstly, no, i haven't seen a gender affirming therapist. it is something i plan on doing. but secondly, i have been more open to the idea of being a transwoman as i've gotten happier recently and i still don't see it within myself. perhaps i have it stuffed down because i actively repressed it. trying HRT even temporarily is too scary to consider tbh. i don't want to.