this post was submitted on 08 Aug 2025
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This is a great topic thanks! Something I was always agreeable to was a partner that was a project, that needed help with their MH. What i learned was there's a million miles between "here's my issues, here's what I do about them" and someone who doesn't acknowledge that. So it was a would to an absolute no under any circumstances because the relationship was a disaster, I was horribly hurt and long term I made no impact on them.
I was a "never" about people with kids when I was younger cos I've no clue with them. That definitely changed because I really saw my role would never, ever be parent to the child... step parent is different, you're not there to raise someone's kid for them. That wouldn't be respectful. I'm embarrassed I was so rigid on it when I was younger!
Step parenting depends so heavily on the situation - my step kids bio mom was such a piece of work they did and do come to me for more of the mom stuff, though they were teens when we got together so it wasn't little kid parenting, more like college and financial and relationship advice. And my ex was off the rails and on the booze for most of my younger kids life so husband was more of a dad to them, though they call him by his name. One of my good friends yelled at me when I said "husband's kids" he says no way, you have to love them & parent all equally it is not his or yours they are y'all's.
So I agree in the situations where the other parent is competent & involved, be a friend not a parent, always talk up the other parent like they are awesome and always defer parenting decisions to them. But that is not a universal rule by any stretch. Sometimes the step parent is the best parent.
ETA: when my husband divorced his ex, he got custody of his kids but also his step kids, and the courts here heavily favor the mom. She really was that bad, and apparently still is. My ex has sort of had a redemption arc, he quit drinking and that helped him a lot, he has not dug out altogether but is doing much better.
That whole project partner thing can be overwhelming and sometimes even damaging or traumatic. I'm glad you were able to set up some healthy boundaries for yourself.
I feel like even the step parent role can be a challenging one for younger people. It still takes a lot of patience and grace, but definitely often distinct from a primary parent/guardian role. Thank you for sharing how your views have evolved on that!