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Companies struggling to find return-to-office perks that top masturbating at home (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 5 days ago by MHLoppy@fedia.io to c/theonion@sh.itjust.works

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Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.

“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”

Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building. [...]

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[–] MHLoppy@fedia.io 2 points 5 days ago

I really struggle to believe it's actually 7000 since that would be several days of energy for an adult (but maybe the comments there know better). Seems more like he actually meant either 700kcal or 7000kJ?