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Companies struggling to find return-to-office perks that top masturbating at home (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 5 days ago by MHLoppy@fedia.io to c/theonion@sh.itjust.works

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Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.

“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”

Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building. [...]

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[–] Senseless@feddit.org 3 points 5 days ago (2 children)

tbf I'd like real flexible work hours if it was work from home. Do three hours of work in the morning, to sometimes around noon and three in the evening. As long as there are no critical meetings and I just need to get stuff done let me do it on my terms.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 5 points 5 days ago

Same. Coworkers are processing jobs 24/7 because we can just up and leave between "9 to 5" just to come back 7pm to wrap up. One time I saw one at a weekday 2pm movie slot. We Totally never spoke of it again.

[–] bitchkat@lemmy.world 2 points 5 days ago

That's what I do.