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Companies struggling to find return-to-office perks that top masturbating at home (thehardtimes.net)

submitted 5 days ago by MHLoppy@fedia.io to c/theonion@sh.itjust.works

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Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.

“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”

Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building. [...]

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[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 24 points 4 days ago (3 children)

So ive few ive seen:

Clothing is opened up. We can wear sweatshirts on days there are no visit.
Free popcorn wendesdays
Pizza Fridays
Cookout Thursday
Way more flexible hrs. Coworker comes im at 4am leaves at 12. Before it was 8 to 3 mandatory times.
Free unlimited coffee machine

[–] Zachariah@lemmy.world 30 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Only one I’d seen was: We won’t lay you off.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 10 points 4 days ago

Lol I was going to put that down on the middle but decided naaa ill answer legit.

[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 4 days ago (1 children)

My office was already “wear whatever you want, but then they installed four unlimited fancy coffee machines that grind the beans at-will and make mochas, lattes, espresso, and tons of other drinks… A multi-flavor bubbly water machine (love that), an additional unlimited cold brew on tap, and a snack bar… it’s nice I guess, but nothing comes close to working from bed with my cats all day.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 4 points 4 days ago (2 children)

My lord sugar levels must be high 😆

[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 4 days ago (1 children)

The flavored water is like La Croix, all sugar free! You can choose what flavor you want, how much carbonation, and if you want caffeine or electrolytes in it. I can’t drink caffeine anymore for some reason (makes me feel like I’m dying when I drink it) but I go through six or seven fills of my nice 30oz cup of flavor water every time I’m in the office.

Oh I forgot, they also got a nugget ice machine. Probably the best addition to the office.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Well im jelly

[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 4 days ago

It’s the only thing that makes going into the office bearable hahaha. I’ve been full remote for a month or two due to medical stuff, and I’m going back in soon, some weeks… I’m not excited for anything but my sweet bubbly water and chewable ice.

[–] MHLoppy@fedia.io 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Reminds me of the old video about the snacks at Valve: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEi3U77b6yE

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

this was a fun watch but My god that is not a "snack bar" thats like a whole convenience store.

7000 calories per cookie 😆

[–] MHLoppy@fedia.io 2 points 4 days ago

I really struggle to believe it's actually 7000 since that would be several days of energy for an adult (but maybe the comments there know better). Seems more like he actually meant either 700kcal or 7000kJ?

[–] Senseless@feddit.org 3 points 4 days ago (2 children)

tbf I'd like real flexible work hours if it was work from home. Do three hours of work in the morning, to sometimes around noon and three in the evening. As long as there are no critical meetings and I just need to get stuff done let me do it on my terms.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 5 points 4 days ago

Same. Coworkers are processing jobs 24/7 because we can just up and leave between "9 to 5" just to come back 7pm to wrap up. One time I saw one at a weekday 2pm movie slot. We Totally never spoke of it again.

[–] bitchkat@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

That's what I do.