It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
Been there. It can take a long time. It took me years to get over an ex, even when I was mostly over her after the first year. It wasn't until I randomly bumped into her in public after a very long time, and the gut punch that came with it, that I was able to evaluate her lack of importance to me. She's still valuable for having shaped some very productive parts of me through education about topics in which I was deficient. She made me want to continue to grow after she was out of my life, and I'm grateful. But I no longer care whether I see her with another guy because she literally doesn't matter to me now.
My father repeatedly stressed an important truism to me throughout adulthood. It's a roller coaster. It goes up and down. When you're at your peak, it seems like it could never be down again. When you eventually roll to the bottom, it feels like you'll never be on top again. It's important to keep in mind that it's nearly impossible to imagine a better life when you're so desperately sad. That doesn't mean it can't or won't happen.
I'd encourage talk therapy. It's not for everyone, but it's helped me. Maybe even see a psychiatrist about the possibility of an antidepressant to help you through the rough time you're in. There's no shame in it. I've been off and on medication when my life got harder and it helped a great deal (it's highly unlikely that the first presciption will be the right one; just trying to avoid setting unrealistic expectations: it's a crapshoot until you and your doc find the thing that's right for you.
But either way, try to hold on to the knowledge that it will get better. The only unknown is when. Until then, do your best to find meaning. One thing I learned from the aforementioned ex was to be grateful for something in my life when I'm frustrated or down. I turned that into a rule: I think of three things for which I am grateful every day. It's done wonders to improve my outlook, even if it isn't a magic spell to remove the struggles of life that we all endure.
I wish you the best.