It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
First of all, that sucks and I’m sorry. It’s the worst. I think almost everyone has been there.
And almost everyone will tell you it absolutely 100% for true gets better. No shit, it gets better in almost every way.
Situational depression is a thing. Talk to someone about temporarily using a serotonin inhibitor to stay out of the lowest lows for awhile. There’s no need to rawdog it just because (like the rest of us) you’re a stupid guy who’s been taught to hide your emotions and act stoic in the face of heartbreaking shit.
And make some plans. Do out-of-the-house things. Anything.
It takes about a year to get some distance, at least that’s my experience. But there’s no need for any of it. You’re going to be better, happier, and wiser. It just takes time and being nice to yourself in the meantime.
Thanks, I am on Wellbutrin and take Busparin 3x daily. You're absolutely right that I've been trained all my life to not show emotion, and it really fucking sucks sometimes to feel the need to cry and not be able to make it happen. Not that it's impossible, I actually cried with my exes mother yesterday, but it's just really really difficult to do unless my emotions hit serious extremes.