It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
I don't want to burden strangers with DMs, because I have such poor energy right now that even responding to these comments feels exhausting and mentally taxing and it's all supportive and kind words, I just don't want to have someone put effort into helping me and then think I ghosted them and wasn't grateful; this post was my attempt to kind of talk to people about my issues in a sorry l sort of way. I've lost most of my friends over time and as mentioned, I feel so low I don't want to reach out to people I know IRL. I struggle more now than ever to go be publicly social.
I don't feel burdened at all. Im just trying to be an ear because you need one right now. If you dont feel like talking thats okay. I'll be here if and when you feel ready.