It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
Grieving is a skill, not just something that happens. There are people who can teach you how. Look for a therapist that specifically is trained in grieving.
After my father died suddenly, I felt like you did. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes memories of him flooded in. A breakup can be a lot like a death. Worse in some ways. You have to accept you can't see that person again, but unlike a death you know they are still out there. Mentally the processing of the feelings is the same though. Having a professional to talk to helps a LOT.
It's going to be a while before I can afford that, I'm on state sponsored health care for now, but I'm assuming Trump is going to end that for me soon.
There are sliding scale healthcare places. Even if you make $40k, you can still find options for around $60 a session. And if that's still too much, selling a gun for a couple of sessions might help in multiple ways.
Without fail, every single person on Lemmy makes so much more money than me that when they suggest a low figure it's still far more than I make. I've never made close to 40k in a year, even when working full time.
Thats my point. Making less money is good with sliding scale therapy. Some places even do it for free if you're broke enough.