It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
One difficult thing is that I feel so ashamed of myself and pathetic that I don't even want to talk to the people I care about and trust because I feel like such a failure for losing her. I had a bad experience with therapy as a kid, and while that does make me jaded to the concept, I also just can't afford to see one. The situation has forced me to buy a home, because ironically I could get approved for a house but not an apartment or trailer, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be able to keep up with bills, I got a roommate but my mortgage is like triple what I had to pay living with her and while I never couldn't pay my bills, I didn't have much excess. I'm trying to work more and applied for some higher positions in my company, but they're dragging their feet about it.
Are there any support groups in your area? I go to a free support group for survivors once a week. I am sure you can find something. There are low cost therapists, and sometimes insurance can cover it. I totally get having a bad experience with a therapist. Ive had a few bad experiences myself, but I've also found therapists that were an excellent fit for me.
But, if therapy isnt an option, talk to someone, anyone. You cannot work through this by yourself. It took me years to get over my ex-wife. And i was in the same head space you are in now, but I didnt have access to guns. If I were you, I would get rid of any guns you own, for your own safety.
And please, for the love of God, be kind to yourself. You are not a failure, and you will get through this! I believe with everything in my heart that you will make it through this and come out with a better understanding of yourself.
Relationships dont have to ruin who you are. Do not let this woman steal who you are! You had a life before her, and you can have a life after her, just as fulfilling. I promise you, from someone who has been in your shoes, it will slowly with time get better, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Please dont beat yourself up about what happened. It takes two people to end a relationship. If you need to DM someone and talk this out,, my DMs are open my dude!
I don't want to burden strangers with DMs, because I have such poor energy right now that even responding to these comments feels exhausting and mentally taxing and it's all supportive and kind words, I just don't want to have someone put effort into helping me and then think I ghosted them and wasn't grateful; this post was my attempt to kind of talk to people about my issues in a sorry l sort of way. I've lost most of my friends over time and as mentioned, I feel so low I don't want to reach out to people I know IRL. I struggle more now than ever to go be publicly social.
I don't feel burdened at all. Im just trying to be an ear because you need one right now. If you dont feel like talking thats okay. I'll be here if and when you feel ready.