It's been 4 or 5 months since I lost the love of my life that I spent over a decade with and I feel like it happened yesterday. I cannot, for any reason, go more than 5 minutes without thinking about her. I don't see the light. I don't see anything in this world that brings me joy or expect to ever again. Sometimes it feels like every day that passes I get worse instead of better. I'm laying in my new house and I should be happy to have so many people that support me and the fact that I even have a house to begin with, but instead I'm just looking at my pistols. I feel like I want out, and I don't know what's kept me from doing it so far, because all I do is cry and want to sleep and feel like shit. I work, I go home, I stare at YouTube videos my brain isn't even actually processing because I'm just thinking about her. Even at the gym my brain just won't get off of it. Even at work it doesn't stop. I'm just so tired and I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled from being happy about anything, every new day feels like Mt Everest without a Sherpa. I've had other very difficult breakups, but they don't even show up on the chart next to the pain I'm feeling every day from this one.
I'm just so fucking tired.
Edit: I'm at work and can't respond to everyone right now, but I still wanted to read the comments. I really appreciate you Internet strangers, even if I don't really feel better right now, it's fucking cool that you people are trying to help someone you'll likely never meet. ❤️
Edit 2: I've been moving after every 8 hour shift at work (I work Friday through Tuesday) and I'm so tired and overwhelmed, I will eventually respond to every one of you kind souls!
Write it out by hand. What happened, arguments, resolutions, good times, weathered hard times. What you think you got right and wrong, where you excelled and failed. What you put too much effort and not enough effort into, what you dwelled on and let go, what you appreciated and didn't. Write about whatever you're feeling, guilt, anger, pain, sorrow, and why. Cry. Yell. Punch a pillow. Then go for a walk. Walk several times a week, at least a mile, no headset. Pay attention to what you see, hear, taste and smell in the air, how the air feels on your skin. Do a chore really well. Write some more. Repeat.
I'm just not mentally strong enough to face writing down 10 years of ups and downs at this moment in time, and I've never really been into writing much, I never properly trained my brain for it. I walk a TON at my job and I go to the gym, but nothing is actually capable of keeping my mind from dragging me back to her every five minutes.
For some reason this triggered a memory of what I learned to do in meditation - instead of berating myself for getting distracted, I slowly switched my brain so that after I do get back on track with focusing, I say something like "Oh, I remembered to go back to focusing!" That changes it from negative reinforcement to positive reinforcement.
So maybe you could try not being so hard on yourself for remembering her, accept that you will and let the thoughts run their course, but then when you get distracted from thinking about her, congratulate yourself for noticing something else to think about.
Hugs to you! Eventually you'll remember the good times and what she helped you learn about life when you do think of her - the first few months are the toughest, you're getting there 💜
Maybe you can take time to deeply reflect on these things? Best of luck, however you decide to address it.