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Exploring sexuality within a closed monogamous relationship. Questions(s)? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)

submitted 1 day ago by Blahaj_Blast@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org

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So, I realized a Lil while back, (2+y) I'm mtf trans. My spouse and I have been together ~16 years and now she's committed to seeing this through and seeing how things end up because she loves me, not my flesh necessarily. But, she's concerned because we grew up with a very strict, conservative, religious background and did always consider ourselves cishet.

She loves me for me, but is worried about the future and super curious about exploring her sexuality to figure out if she's as straight as she thought (she's also had some do I want her or to be her thoughts).

Main point is, does anyone have any suggestions for how she can explore and figure things out without opening the marriage, and preferably without porn?

I'm still struggling to understand the romantic and sexual attraction spectrums and where I fit in the, but she seems very high on the romantic spectrum as in, she can't imagine being intimate without a serious relationship.

I don't know. I'm just looking for options to help her figure herself out, and us out, while I figure myself out too.

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[–] TehPers@beehaw.org 14 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Been on the other side (spouse is ftm). As someone in a similar position who was not really interested in men (but now very much so to my husband), keep in mind that she does not need to be attracted to all women, just you.

My recommendation for an easy place to start, for both of you, is for you to dress up around her. Put on a dress and makeup, or some other feminine outfit (however it is you want to dress, whatever makes you feel pretty). Try to look how you want to. See if she's still attracted to you. When you're both comfortable, take it to the bedroom, and give it a shot. If she's still enjoying it, then that's what's important!

Physical transitions don't happen overnight, and I was able to get used to the changes as they happened. I still see the same person I saw when we first got together, and even though there are some physical differences, he's the same person he's always been.

The hardest part for me was the social aspect, not the attraction. While I could try to give suggestions here, if this is a struggle for you or her, seriously seek a therapist. This isn't something that's easy to overcome, and it will take time.

Good luck!

[–] MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I hope you don't mind me asking a different question here, but feel free to not respond. It's nice of you to take some time to help OP and I don't want to discourage that by asking a follow up you may not want to respond to, but if you're willing, do you mind sharing if your view of your personal sexuality changed? If you were previously only attracted to women, do you now consider yourself bi or pan or something else, or is it just an attraction for your husband? If it's an only him thing does he feel some way about that?

[–] TehPers@beehaw.org 8 points 1 day ago (1 children)

If you were previously only attracted to women, do you now consider yourself bi or pan or something else, or is it just an attraction for your husband?

Only really him, though I don't categorize myself as anything (bi, pan, straight, whatever). My only real concern is whether I find who I'm with to be attractive, and the answer to that is yes. I guess that'd make me pan?

If it's an only him thing does he feel some way about that?

As far as I'm aware, not really, but I'd have to ask. He does find my attraction to him to be important, but hasn't mentioned anything beyond that to me (maybe to his therapist but I don't want to ask him too much about that).

[–] MountingSuspicion@reddthat.com 5 points 1 day ago

Thank you for sharing! I hope everyone is able to find a partner as loving and supportive as yourself.