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Anecdotal, but I struggle with connecting with people in person. I try to do the 'be yourself' thing, the 'talk about what you like' malarkey, all that stuff. I have watched eyes glaze over and interest recede in real time simply because I answered, truthfully and wholly, the question of "what do you like to do?" To boil it down to two words that don't cover any specifics or explore any deeper aspects: experimental music. There are others, but that's the biggest hat I choose to wear.

So I've instead closed in on myself when I'm in public, especially at work. Don't speak unless spoken to, keep to myself, and just keep hands on the keyboard and eyes on the screen. And then I go home, to try to reach out to any of the local friends I do have - friends that love me and have told me, directly, often, that I'm a comforting and relaxing presence in their often chaotic and confusing lives - to try to gain a moment of in-person, face-to-face contact. Too busy, too far, they need space to take care of themselves. The last thing I, or anyone, wants is for me to be needy. I do not, and have never, faulted anyone for how they navigate their own slice of the shit pile called life they have to deal with.

But I'm living alone for the first time in my life through no choice of my own. Connecting to new people, whether it is just for friendship, or, even more unlikely, romantic endeavors, more often than not feels like talking to a brick. Not even a wall made of bricks - a singular, boring, uninspiring brick. They have no interest in what I am or am about, and I struggle to find any kind of connection to what they have to say.

So, I stay lonely. I know I'm the problem, but I don't want anyone else to help me deal with it.