Ask Lemmy

I've had pretty good success with online dating in the past, and my current long-term relationship (3.5 years) is a lovely woman I met on Tinder. When we first matched, neither of us was looking for something long-term. For me, it helped to look at dating apps as just a first impression, which means you don't want to overwhelm someone with your profile. My advice is going to be tailored to Tinder, because it's where I had the most success. That's probably due to sheer volume though. It also worked on Bumble, but I have no experience with FB Dating, so I can't speak to that.

When selecting pictures to use, there's a couple things I would suggest. •Always include multiple pictures with friends or family. People swiping on your profile will want to know that you have a social life, and you'll probably look happier in pictures with others. •Try to also include pictures that reveal a hobby or interest of yours rather than talk about it in your bio. I'll elaborate on this point later. •Be honest and kind to yourself and think about what makes you attractive to others. Personally, I've been told that my laugh is infectious, so I went with a candid picture of myself laughing with my friends. Dates have specifically pointed that picture out as the one that sold them on me. There's something that sets you apart, you just have to identify it. •You don't have to completely avoid pictures of yourself alone or selfies, but you have to be intentioned when including these. Is it a picture where you look really good? Is the composition of the photo interesting or different? Does it show off your flair or sense of style? Is it one of the aforementioned hobby photos? If you can't answer yes to at least one of these questions, it probably shouldn't be included. A picture with just you is going to lead to heightened scrutiny of the only subject that is of any interest to someone looking at your profile: you. Make sure it showcases you well.

I personally like to keep the bio short and sweet. The point of the bio is to give them enough information to want to know more about me. They don't need my life story, and they probably don't want to read a wall of text. If you match, you want to give them space to ask questions about you so that the conversation doesn't go stale. If they can look it all up in your bio, it becomes redundant to ask. To that end, my own bio was only two lines: my height and a statement that was funny and personal. I always included my height because I'm on the shorter side (5'7) and I know it's a dealbreaker for some. I'm fine with that, since I'm not trying to waste their time or my time. The second line was "My mom cuts my hair." It's true, and to me it was funny in an unexpected way. It also revealed that I have a good relationship with my mother. However, I later learned that some people just thought it was a joke, so maybe it didn't come across the way I intended. You could definitely find something that works for you in between the wall of text and my completely barebones bio.

Lastly, and this might not be the easiest because you mentioned having social anxiety, but you should be looking to go on a physical date as soon as possible. It's where I really got to know the people that I matched with, and let me better figure out whether it was someone I could see myself in a relationship with. An in-person date doesn't have to mean something serious. I prefer coffee dates, which I've read that some women see as a sign that you're not serious about them or a cheapskate. I'm here to tell you that those women don't exist, or at least never did for me 3.5+ years ago, so don't worry about it. It's a casual setting where either party can leave if they're not feeling it, and many people appreciate that. If the date goes well enough, it can swing into lunch or dinner pretty easily. Dating is a skill, and it's a pretty different skillset than being in a relationship. The only way to improve at dating is to actually go on dates, so push yourself to ask for them. Chances are, if they're still messaging you back after a day or two, they're interested enough to go on a date.

I tried to be as comprehensive as possible, but please let me know if there's anything you want further clarification on. I'd be happy to help, and I'm rooting for you :)