this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2025
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Ok so I'm having a bit of a rough time ATM. It's in relation to this comment I made yesterday.
Miniest and I have had a few chats, I've tried to be tolerant and accepting but I'm ashamed to say that the tolerance and understanding is not happening as easily on my end of things as it probably should be. I feel that just because the "girliest" girls in the class don't want to play their girly games with you for example, and just because you are not into wearing girly clothes etc., that doesn't make you any less of a girl. It certainly doesn't make you a boy. There is a lot of middle ground between the ultra glam feminine stereotypical examples of womanliness and the more masculine "tom boy" (to use an expression from my childhood) stereotypes of women. Most of us seem to be kind of in the middle somewhere. Some of us have girly nails or drive a girly car or have beautiful girly hair and clothes but also know how to put up a bookshelf or change a washer on a tap or are a mean kick of the footy. That's the beauty of having the freedom to pick and choose and be flexible with your identity and self perception. As you grow up you find your spot and get comfortable with yourself and learn who you are. I'm trying to explain this to Miniest but it's impossible for her to understand because she lacks the life experience to do so, but is pretty steadfast and stubborn about being called a boy. I've had to be honest; I'm sometimes tactful but unfortunately also can be pretty blunt. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and has feathers like a duck and looks like a duck then you can pretty well guess it's a bloody duck. My child looks like a girl, sounds like a girl and to me is a girl, just not a conventionaly girly one, and it's actually this aspect of her that I love the most. She is strongly individual, rebellious, outspoken and creative, hilarious and unique and beautiful. I'm glad and proud of her being my daughter with attributes like these, and I'm not adjusting well to this new thinking, it's making me feel old and tired and a bit lost. Thankyou for reading my rant, I had to put it out there to just.. get it out.
I'm AFAB non-binary (biologically female and raised as a girl, but I don't identify as either male or female in my head), but I'm not a parent so please take this with a big grain of salt.
I knew from Miniest's age, and even before, that I wasn't like the other kids. I was too much of a "girl" for the boys to include me, and too much of a "boy" for the girls to include me. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, because I wanted to wear dresses but also wanted to play footy and play with "boy" toys (I so badly wanted hot wheels. I got a Barbie doll ๐คฆโโ๏ธ). I had no words to describe myself, I would cry because I felt like I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. Didn't help that mum refused to dress me in feminine clothes because of her own trauma (fear of men staring at me ๐) but her family would ask me why I dress like a boy. It was very confusing and traumatising on top of everything else I was dealing with.
It took me a long time, not until I was 28 to realise I was NB, and to also allow myself to dress both femininely and masculinely without feeling awful and gross. And that was because I was reading posts from other NBs and I felt so seen and understood. I don't do anything different now, I still look and sound like a woman. I dress femininely and masculinely equally, I'm confident telling people my pronouns are they/them but also accept that I will be referred to as she/her because I'm not overly androgynous. The difference is, is that I don't think I'm inherently "wrong" for being this way, and I accept myself with kindness. It doesn't change who I am, but I am much more confident and happy with myself.
Miniest also is about to hit puberty, and it's just going to involve a lot of labels and discovery on her part. They might not feel "female" now, but that can change, and might change a lot or not at all. They might try on different labels and styles, as it's a journey of discovering oneself and accepting oneself fully and wholly.
The best thing you can do is just, try to accept it? Accept that right now, Miniest doesn't feel particularly "female" in their head, accept that that might change as they grow and discover who they are. Personally, I'd avoid asking too many questions, especially as it can (but not always!) feel like an interrogation, but just reinforce that you love and and accept Miniest no matter what. That their journey and who they are, who they will become, will not ever change how much you love Miniest. That's the most important part - that Miniest knows that no matter what, you will always have their back and be in their corner.
I can't speak for the parent side of it, I'm sorry. But I do know that Miniest will always need you on their side.
Spud, that is so beautifully put. ๐
Thank you! I hope it came across as kind! I'm certainly not judging Peeler!
Just hoped to give my thoughts as someone who is what Miniest seems to identify with presently ๐๐
Miniest is in good hands with Peeler, I believe that wholeheartedly!!
I appreciate your thoughts ๐