this post was submitted on 16 Jul 2025
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I've been conversing with someone on there for about a week and I don't think this person is it. He is autistic so ends up taking things literally, and I do too sometimes, but everything I write, even with added laughing emojis, he just doesn't get?I told him how the ladies at work talk about each other behind their backs and I find it funny how seriously they take it, and he's just like, "Be careful, you can't trust anyone these days."
Or I talk about catching up with friends or going overseas at some point in my life when I have a stable income, and he says, "It's tough to catch up with friends because everyone has their own lives," or "Doing stuff alone is great but it can get lonely," or "Travelling sounds cool but it's really expensive."
Always a negative. Yes these things are true. Life is challenging. I know not everyone can travel, or find time to have a social life or enjoys doing stuff alone. Sometimes when I'm alone, I feel lonely too. But the constant negativity is so draining. Now I really know what my family experiences with me. It just screams that he has some sort of learned helplessness going on, and as someone who has gone through enough wake-up calls to move past that, I just don't know if I can deal with that.
The kicker is when he asked me how organising a meetup is going and I told him a few people have ghosted. He starts telling me how he got ghosted on dating apps and how he got picked on in school which ruined him to a degree. Mate, you graduated from school like seven years ago. You need some serious therapy. I know the company he works for has a prolific EAP and so gave him a little nudge towards that. The company clearly isn't doing enough to put it out there.
Part of me wants to invite this person to a group hang so he is included in something. It's always nice to feel included and valued by other people. But I don't know what it is about young men on these kinds of apps having to offload their negative experiences to whoever will hear it. I've noticed a pattern where guys who have mates don't talk to their mates about their feelings, and confide in the women in their lives about emotional stuff instead. I wish that would change. But society.
How about billboards encouraging people to talk to their mates? We need to normalise this shit.
Other conversations on the app have been a lot more light-hearted and to do with shared interests, so that's looking a bit more promising.
"Behind every great man is an even greater woman".
It's no lie that dudes dump their shit on women more than they should.
is it dumping or is it team work ?
Is women complaining about men showing their emotional side and showing their vulnerabilities part of the problem
do women want strong men, and let's define what strong means
do women get to define who men should be
Everything I just wrote is about intimate relationships, about a partnership
if people are just casual friends then it's a boundary issue
That's a good question and I suppose the answer would vary.
Imo in an ideal world there should be equal give and take (in terms of dumping shit and being receptive as in listening to it) but I'm uncertain as to whether that world exists.
It might be that people's needs are different at different times, they might dump at different times, but over time it equals out.
I think it's more complicated than one or the other.
This guy sounds like a drag.
Woof, that sounds like a lot. I'm glad you're still chatting to him and have nudged him towards an EAP, but do you think it would be beneficial to point out his constant negative viewpoint? It's nice that you want to possibly include him, but it sounds like it'd be fairly risky from a draining your energy view.
But haaaard agree that mates need to talk to mates. I noticed when boyo would catch up with his mates it's always incredibly superficial chatter, he's got no idea how his mates are doing in life. I asked about it and he said "that's just how they've always been. They'll talk if they want to." But will they?!
the observation about taking things literally really resonated with me
I have a strong tendency toward that, it's from too long in relationships where there was no joking or fun , also a lack of self trust in figuring things out
And I just this past week noticed Miss Seagoon is the same , I joked that the chairs and loos in NZ were all too low, and in a way laughing at myself for being a but unfit, and could barely get up. A half day long lecture on fitness and strength training for seniors ensued.
I just have to tell her not to be so serious and not take me so seriously. We do laugh a lot but not enough.
How did we get this way. More importantly, how to get past this. I think awareness is best. No need to pathologise everything, it's just a habit.
This does not sound like it will end well to be honest.
Yeah...