When I'm saving money, being kind and considerate, working hard and eating healthy something feels wrong. It's not exactly boredom. It's a desire to fuck things up.
My childhood involved a lot of moving around, constantly leaving friends behind when my parents got new jobs, finding new places to live, then later in life I continued the chaos with sex, drugs and drinking. Stints in rehab, constantly looking for a new job because I'd fucked up the old one, a new place to live after something went wrong at home. The chaos feels normal.
It's like "call of the void" but with my life rather than a single moment. And it's constant. I even have nightmares when things are going well. My brain doesn't know how to be happy.
I think this myself a lot. Especially when looking through my liked songs playlist... It's all sad and angry music. Maybe like 5 whole songs are actually happy. Like I am addicted to depression. ๐ฎโ๐จ