I'm not sure what to say, I have tried my hardest to cope with my ongoing depression for numerous reasons, although it was never this worse, not until the person I looked up to, the person I adored, the person who is closest to me, the person I love decided to emotionally abandoned me, ghosted me out of the blue, gave me cold shoulder deliberately, leading me to develop severe anxiety and emotional trauma to the point where every single second of my life feels like an hour, excruciating long hour. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping not because I wanted to, because I physically couldn't. Everytime I shut my eyes, I would end up with my heart racing and pounding to escape my chest. I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining myself, having people not understand how big of an impact they can have on others, especially when they are important ,I spent grueling past 4 weeks basically having mini heart attacks every couple minute or so, begging my SO to realize the severity of it. Yet I was so scared of her I couldn't tell her that she's became the reason why I have this anxiety, why I cried until I fell on my knees, until I throw up, until I pass out...some say life isn't fair when I try to be selfish for once...but life seems to be fair when they are selfish? I bawled my eyes out to be heard by one person who means the world to me, no matter the situation, no one deserves to be traumatized, be emotionally abandoned..under no circumstance to this extent do they deserve to be broken down so much...that they become so dysfunctional.....Now I'm calmer than before, but suicidal, severely suicidal. I still cry a lot, but they are mostly tears rolling down my eyes thinking about the aftermath. I thought about my parents, my childhood, to avert the situation but I am emotionally drained, tired. I can no longer navigate my life. I'm offing myself on 3nd July..I don't feel anything while talking about it, I don't feel scared even standing by the edge. I prayed, meditated, I tried , cried, and cried, I begged and wailed (cried intensively) but my voice went unheard. Repeatedly. Often by the ones I held close to my heart. My dearest ones. It hurts. A lot. I wish the people who matter to me would have understood my plea, my pain, my sorrows...my apologies, but I've made up my mind now. Even I cannot stop the time anymore. 💔
I'm taking a day to tying up loose ends.
If I'm able to share a website I made of myself...my thoughts, I'm offing myself on 3rd July. I spent time with my mother and my father, although didn't go as I planned...I hoped to feel loved but issok I know they tried. 🥀 I guess this cruel world didn't deserve me. 🙂💔
I cannot navigate through life....the thought of it makes my will to end stronger. I'm tired. 🥀 Sorry
Please visit to know partially why and how.
No other person should have this power over you. In fact, no other person has this power over you unless you choose it to be so.
You claim this other person is precious to you, and that you do not mean to commit suicide to make them understand. Yet in every sentence you claim it's their fault that you feel the way you feel. That is toxic. I will be very honest, even though it will sound incredibly hard-hearted and cruel: if I were this other person I'd want to distance myself as well because I could never, ever accept this amount of responsibility for someone else.
I've been hurt by others who have broken my heart five times in a row, pulled me close then pushed me away - but make them responsible for losing the will to live? Are you actually aware of the weight you are placing on this other person? Please, please, please, for the sake of the happiness you'll probably feel as soon as six months from here - understand that you and you alone are responsible for feeling whole. You cannot assign your will to live to someone else.
Here's a small exercise a wise woman taught me when I was down and alone in the darkness:
Close your eyes. Deep breath. Breathe out. Imagine your energy like a shiny ball of light around you. Breathe in, pull the energy together to inside of you, concentrate this ball of energy inside of you. Keep it there while you continue breathing. You will probably manage this for a short moment, then lose concentration. Well done, this is all you need for now. Every time you think about the other person, do this exercise. I promise you it will improve how you feel.
People do have power over you, people whom you trust, whom you show your vulnerable side. I never said they are the reason, I said it pushed me closer to the edge when I was barely holding off. That's just how it is. If you claim that no one should have such power over you, then you're just claiming that no one can affect you to this extent. People can make and break you if the relationship holds meaning. I shared part of the reason, another reason is ongoing family issues, which I find difficult for myself to open up. I know you’re trying to help, but I think you’ve misunderstood me.
I didn’t give someone power over my life I gave them trust. What I got in return was silence and emotional abandonment, right when I was barely holding on. That is downright cruel. I’m not blaming them for everything...but I’m allowed to feel broken by how I was treated.
This isn’t about solely blaming them it’s about being honest about the pain and how deeply it affected me. No one can resonate with my with it but me. Like you said everyone experiences it differently.
My feelings are valid. My story matters...maybe someone else feels less alone if they can relate. Sometimes, the most human thing you can do is sit with someone’s pain… not correct it.
Sorry for being so blunt in this situation - I guess I find it difficult to sit without trying to fix, or give advice, or try to change the other - especially when a person says they want to die. You must admit that makes it hard for any bystander to just sit without trying to do anything (especially as a parent imagining their kid could be in this situation). How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
It's not so much about trying to feel not broken, or else 'Have you tried to be more cheerful' could replace all therapy and medication. There's no point in pretending the other person didn't cause hurt and pain, I fully believe you when you say they did, and I did have people behave in certain ways towards me when they had no need to do what they did. I sometimes think as soon as we approach others that's what we set ourselves up for, simply because we are all broken and damaged to some extent and it is bound to happen at some point. As soon as the other person touches some trigger that we carry there's bound to be pain and disconnect. Sometimes they mean it and do it consciously, mostly they just can't help themselves. I believe it's very rare that a person dishes out hurt because they feel pleasure in making others feel bad. Mostly it's that they can't behave differently because of their own pain. The person who hurt me - I know I've hurt them too, badly, and at this point I can't say anymore who started, but I'm fairly sure non of us meant for it to happen because we had a good thing going. Yet we smashed it up, broke each others' hearts and it's a bloody miracle we are both still alive after the whole thing because it was as painful as falling from heaven straight to hell.
Anyways I'll keep sitting here, in my blatantly imperfect way as a fellow human who has experienced awful pain at some point, similar but different. Would it help you to open up about those family issues (I understand if that's too much to ask for since you've been hurt so much after opening up to someone)?