this post was submitted on 24 Jun 2025
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As astrologer using an AI connected to a data broker site churns star charts as a way to send hyper-personalized spam. Inadvertently, it locates the birth chart of the "the chosen one." The person who has the most incredible star chart ever, with their peak of power taking place during a conjunction on Dec 25.
Cut to some anarchist punk skater orphan kid that has never received an Xmas present since their parents died in a car accident and the kid and their twin were split up. The kid has no idea what happened to their twin, and they were separated too young to remember each other. The kid has friends that are punks, their in a band together, and they're planning on crashing a Christmas concert for teen pop star Tina Swizzle because she's sooooo mainstream.
Yadda yadda yadda, Hallmark movie middle. Character development, plot devices, CGI. The astrologer and an AI sidekick try to track down the chosen one, always using the singular.
Punk kid crashes the concert. Astrologer finds them right as they're about to literally dump 50 gallons of septic sludge on Tina Swizzle. The cops will definitely arrest Punk Kid and they'll go to jail for 900 years.
Punk kid, from in the scaffolding above the stage, back stage sees Tina Swizzle play some practice chords and then wail a punk riff. Punk kid has a moment of pause.
The astrologer leverages connections to get in to the concert. Tells Tina's Momager what he's doing. Momager confesses that Tina is adopted, and was a twin, and has the same birthrate, place, and time as punk kid.
A suspiciously real Santa shows up, pulls Punk Kid's bass from his bag. Snow in the theater, Punk Kid falls to the stage on a set piece. Before security gets there, they play the riff Tina played back stage. Tina plays back. Santa sbows up on drums.They end up playing the most amazing punk Xmas concert ever. Mindblowimg music.
Album sales go to charity and solve all the world's problems. The song leads to world peace. Momager loves Punk Kid and they're a family now.
The end.