this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2025
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Look at all this shocking overconfidence.
Meanwhile, over in reality, Billy Big Balls is getting the tendon in his ankle severed in 0.3 seconds while screaming like a banshee and falling down. The only reason people look at even the high-percentage animals this way is that, 100% of the time in daily life, they have no interest in fucking you up for real.
Edit: Actually, there is one exception: I firmly believe the average person could fuck up a goose if they committed to it. Geese are pushy assholes with surprisingly sharp beaks and humans don't really like getting in life or death struggle with any organism, by and large, but I've seen a person seize a goose by the neck and the goose in question wasn't so intimidating after that happened.
As long as you're okay with getting bitten and scratched to hell, the "shove your arm down its throat and suffocate it to death" method is surprisingly effective.
https://people.com/human-interest/travis-kauffman-mountain-lion-attack/
https://apnews.com/general-news-92375ef965ef46a69d9d65a4c4fc2645 (tbf, the bear fled in this case)
Any reason you shouldn't just break its neck? I mean, grab the neck near the head, jerk it very fast in any direction a gew times and you've turned an angry goose into a nonissue.
The problem is getting the neck in the first place.
You've got wings flapping in your face, making it hard to use your eyes. They're likely to be pecking and kicking too, since if they're really coming at you, they're going to use everything they have in hopes of scaring you off.
So targeting a neck that's moving, when you have to do it by feel sp you don't take eye damage takes a bit of "luck" because some part of the grab attempt is going to be almost impossible to predict. The neck is moving, the body is moving, so where you think you should grab might not be where you think it is.
Source : have been sent running a few times while fishing, and the fuckers are hard to grab.
I have a rooster now, and he used to get frisky in his "teenage" hormone laden time. Even grabbing all of him was difficult until I had some familiarity with how he moves. Most people are only going to run into an angry goose a few times their entire life, so that lack of practice makes it harder than it would seem as well
Goose is ez, grab by neck and swing. I'm taking about dog and cat like animals. Good luck shoving your arm down a Goose's throat. If you can manage that, the Goose has bigger things to worry about than suffocation.