Alright, so, something I've been talking about with my therapist a lot, but I thoughts folks out here could have interesting povs.
To sum it up, I'm constantly trying to act like a saint (figuratively, I'm an atheist). There's one exception to this, people holding power and making others miserable in any way.
But basically, you know, this whole mentality of banishing anger, jealousy, egoism, selfishness, greed, desire for power and authority and all that? That's me.
I don't mean I manage to do so constantly, but that's what I strive for.
One could think, and I did think, it was a desire for social praise. But really, when I get praised, which happen a lot, I don't care and that's more awkward that anything (like : woa dude, it's not the Oscars or something, chill out). And little by little, I started to think it didn't have much to do with being praised, that's just striving to live as I think it's better to live. To live a life I'll me content with when the grim reaper will come and all praises won't mean anything anymore.
My therapist thinks it's not really an issue as long as it doesn't cause myself pain (which it does because I'm deaf to my own needs 50% of the times).
But I don't see a satisfying way to live apart from that.
One potential misinterpretation I'd like to prevent. It's a very strong drive, but it doesn't make me blind. It really doesn't happen a lot but whenever I'm angry, I'm not feeling guilty. I know why I feel this, it's just that I didn't have any other way to manage a situation/feeling. I'll just strive to do better next time by trying to modify the situation so that anger will not be the most probable answer.
Do you find it weird? Anyone adopting this kind of behavior? Maybe everyone does. It may sound a bit megalomaniac, like hey I'm exceptional, but it really isn't what I mean. To my own eyes, I'm not a bad or a good person. I'm just trying to be what I want. If somebody tries to be someone different, it's all fine by me.
TL;DR : Is having high moral standards for one's self weird or toxic? Does my message actually sound megalomaniac?
You didn't mention it, but have you considered how it would feel if you had a bad day and didn't live up to this standard?
You're framing it like a moral philosophy, but feeling anger is not a morally bad thing. Neither is jealousy, or selfishness, at times. It's just part of the human experience, and we can avoid it most of the time, but occasionally we're going to need to focus on ourselves and our needs and our feelings.
Similarly, it's impossible to avoid having an ego 100% of the time. Honestly, it sounds like this quality is part of your identity-- would you like yourself less if you lived up to this standard imperfectly?
I don't think it's unusual to want to be a good person and to want to control our worst impulses. But to describe it as "trying to act like a saint", and saying you're "deaf to your own needs"-- those are concerning statements.
I don't think anyone can speak for you or guess what's going on from the outside. But if I were you, I'd be exploring if there's fear underlying these impulses. Fear of judgment: how do you think the world would perceive you if you stopped being so strict about it? Fear of badness: how does it feel when you have a bad day and you fail to be perfect? Do you resent yourself? Fear of impurity: do you feel like other people are bad when they have these natural reactions? Do you fear being like other people who are experiencing and dealing with normal feelings?