Trigger warning: abuse, suicide
First off, I'm not taking about guys who call themselves nice and act like manipulative jerks. I'm talking about people who are legitimately nice, caring and loving. As such, this doesn't only apply to men.
Storytime: a good number of years ago, I got to know someone who I not too long after started a relationship with. She was loving, kind, and caring - really, what I look for when it comes to relationship material. Except... She still lived at home, and her "mother" was horrifically abusive. Unfortunately, also very intelligent, so that she was always a couple of steps ahead of you. Well, she also got abusive towards me very quickly but was such a master of manipulation and Gaslighting that I had no clue what the fuck was going on. I also didn't know how abuse worked, so I was ripe for the picking. A year and a horrific half later, I got "kicked out" (in other words, my then girlfriend was gaslit into projecting all of the faults of her own mother onto me leading to a messy breakup) because I started asking too many questions and didn't simply accept what I was being told, including that I allegedly had memory problems (which turned out to be pure and utter bullshit to gaslight me). So, I finished last, I lost the person who I thought was going to be the love of my life and I was ready to marry eventually. You know who also finished last? The women who would have liked to been with her father, who is a great guy. The likelihood that any one of them could have been worse than her is exceedingly small. You have to achieve that kind of evil first. My ex? Still living at her parents' place. Word made it around that my ex's and her father's cars at some point regularly had nails and screws under their tires, which mysteriously stopped when one of the father's friends told him "you know exactly who did that if you're honest with yourself".
Well, I did a shit ton of reading on psychology and abuse to understand what the hell I went through. And also in the hopes of helping them, but as mentioned, it didn't work. But the fact that I know so much about it, have experienced it myself and tend to try and listen to people when they tell me about their situations means that I seem to be a magnet for victims of abuse. I always try to help. I know how awful my situation was and if I can help someone out of a similar situation, I will do what I can. But it's often frustrating. But I actually was able to help someone out of an abusive situation. After a suicide attempt due to the effects of the abuse I landed in the hospital, and got to know someone there fairly well. She was also in an abusive situation. And I actually was able to help her out of it! Mind you, it was after I had lost count of her suicide attempts, but hey, you take the victories you get. So hey, at least in that situation it wasn't as bad...
But fast forward to the last few months. A colleague I've known for a little over a year and a half tells me more and more about her friend with benefits. She tells me almost right from the start, that it's a toxic relationship. I hoped it's not that bad. After a couple of tell tale signs too many, yup, it's abuse. Long story short, we also started developing feelings for each other and were hoping to help each other through what we were dealing with. Well, the fwb made sure to fuck it up. She even said, otherwise, she's an afterthought for him (even though he expects to be at the top of her priority list), but in a case where he might lose her, he will fight for her. When I asked how, she described exactly what he did in my case. But still doesn't see that he did it in my case. And now the feelings she told me about apparently weren't feelings but something else, and he's suddenly not as bad and besides the constant manipulation and if you ask me rapey behavior, he's actually quite OK... Like don't get me wrong, my primary concern is that she gets out of that situation, which doesn't look particularly likely at the moment, but to get back to the topic, yet another case of the nice guy finished last.
Rant over.
TL;DR: fuck abusers and the people who enable them. And why the fuck are they often more successful than the people who don't abuse people.
