The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Terrorist organization ISIS is taking credit for a stylish TikTok video showing masked figures successfully reattaching a man’s severed head, according to pleasantly surprised sources.

“We met with a public relations agency and asked plainly, ‘Why do so many people hate and fear us?’ They said it probably has to do with all the bombings and beheadings,” said ISIS spokesman Kassem Al-Azraq. “They helped us produce the video, which has done so much to rehabilitate our image. The agency used CG to make it appear that a man’s head had been restored to his body. The smiling man then stands up, shakes all of the ISIS members’ hands, and they pose for a photo together. The swelling score really makes it quite moving. Hashtag isisgoodguysnow.”

TikTok users have been excitedly spreading the video and sharing their reactions to the heartening content.

Most people will tell you Disney magic is something you only see in movies or after an unlicensed mushroom retreat. But to those cynics, I say, Disney magic is real! And I found it inside an Outback Steakhouse dumpster.

Several weeks ago, I had returned to my regular routine of dumpster diving after forming a fragile ceasefire with the local raccoons. I had come upon a garbage bag full of gently used bloomin’ onions when I came face to face with a common roof rat (rooficus ratticus).

I screamed at the rodent, threatening to “assfuck it in the mouth” if it didn’t turn tail and buzz off. But the rat, having no respect for mine and the raccoon’s truce, lunged at me, first working the face, before diving headlong into my already tattered pants. [...]

Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hours, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night ever since the food started arriving in Gaza. Just yesterday I saw a four-year-old girl smile while eating handfuls of raw rice, I took that as a direct attack on me and on Israel because I know Hamas is somewhere in that girl’s stomach cooking that rice and making it into a bomb that they will drop on an innocent Israeli baby,” said Peretz. “And just this morning, I saw a newborn baby eating some sort of paste. Now that baby might have enough energy to storm the guard towers and I’ll be forced to engage in hand-to-hand combat. I know that baby has been radicalized by Hamas, and it could take me hostage.” [...]

The Epstein thorn in the side of Trump doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon after the WSJ recently discovered Trump’s friendship bracelet reading the word “Jeffrey”.

Trump, who has frantically been attempting to create as much space between him and Epstein as possible, hasn’t found much success between a media determined to expose him and a voter base determined not to drop the issue.

Despite Trump dismissing concerns from his voters that he may be involved in the cover up of a conspiracy he ran on exposing, it seems as though every week new information proves his connection with Jeffrey Epstein runs deep.

The newest bombshell tying Trump to Epstein, published by The Wall Street journal, reveals that he kept a friendship bracelet from Jeffrey Epstein the top draw of his White House desk. [...]

Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has slammed reports that Australia still sells ‘weapons parts’ to Darth Vader, clarifying that any parts Australia makes for the construction of the Death Star are ‘non-lethal’.

“It is gross misinformation to say that we are in any way part of the Death Star trade just because we sell parts for it,” said Wong.

“The death laser is the lethal part. We don’t sell the laser energy. We only provide parts that help them shoot the laser beam.”

American Eagle is in full-on crisis mode after their “Sydney Sweeney Has Great Jeans” campaign was met by swift public backlash as critics accused the ad of invoking eugenics. Today, the clothing company finally put out a statement explaining the campaign’s original aim: American Eagle is clarifying that their Sydney Sweeney ad was only intended to make people masturbate. [...]

Context: https://www.smh.com.au/culture/celebrity/why-sydney-sweeney-s-good-jeans-campaign-is-being-compared-to-nazism-20250729-p5mikz.html

A man whose life (or at least his Mar-a Lago club) was ruined (or at least moderately inconvenienced) by human trafficking has spoken out, saying the fact that young women were stolen by a paedophile from his organisation was devastating. For him. [...]

There was a glum silence in a Betoota Heights office this morning, as employees at a marketing agency were left mourning the disappearance of a universally hated but highly entertaining colleague.

It’s alleged that the hated colleague in question, who will be referred to by his nickname ‘Teflon Tim’ for privacy purposes, was fired two weeks ago after the agency lost a major client. [...]

In a confusing turn of events, Donald Trump was welcomed to Scotland by bagpipes this week, with locals unable to tell which overinflated, blustering bag of air was which. [...]

A local woman has discovered that her accrued credit in sleepiness does not transfer from her couch to her bed.

Cory Lachlan, 26, made the disturbing discovery when she finally decided to head to bed after getting Netflix’s “Are you still watching?” pop-up for the third time that evening. It was only once she was tucked in all nice and cozy that she learned the harsh truth.

“They say it can’t transfer since I got sleepy in a different geographic region of the apartment,” despairs Lachlan, who lives in a 300 square foot studio. “I tried repeating my work. But once I got to bed, I totally flunked out.” [...]

As President Trump’s Epstein ties continue to dominate headlines, Trump is wielding every measure at his disposal to divert public attention away from the scandal. Now, after making a series of controversial statements about getting Coke to use cane sugar and warning the Washington Commanders to change their name back to the “Redskins,” he’s attempting his most desperate distraction tactic yet: President Trump has threatened to commit suicide unless the Malcolm In The Middle reboot brings back the original Dewey instead of recasting him. [...]

The job market is absolutely brutal right now. And when you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a “bachelor’s degree” in the traditional sense, it can be tough to land that ever-elusive interview. I’m constantly thinking of new ways to at least give hiring managers a second of pause before they throw my resume in the trash. And I think I’ve got something, even if the lamest people on the planet will probably call it “stolen valor.” [...]

A new rating scale, launched this week, will allow Western governments to more clearly express which meaningless platitude they are using about the situation in Gaza today.

Advocates say the new system will help reduce confusion about exactly what empty statement is being expressed, while Governments continue to do nothing. “I had a situation last week where I thought my government was Profoundly Troubled by the slaughter of civilians in Gaza, but it turns out they were only Deeply Dismayed. This new system will make things a lot clearer and avoid any confusion,” Australian Jess Koh said. [...]

After spending over $6,000 on a propane grill and accessories, Robert Arsenault has to date grilled only hot dogs and hamburgers. Arsenault, 39, recently renovated the patio of his family home to include space for what he calls, “The Fortress of Grillitude.” [...]

Perplexed that the Department of Justice had chosen a setting with such strange decor to ask her about Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirators, Ghislaine Maxwell confirmed Thursday that she couldn’t help but notice her interview room was covered in plastic sheeting. “Wow, you’ve got the whole room tarped up—you guys doing some painting later?” said Maxwell as she stepped into the Florida courthouse’s windowless office, with eyewitnesses reporting that she then carefully shuffled over to a plastic-wrapped chair after briefly slipping on the slick, sheeted floor. [...]

“Certain front-loading washer models have been recalled due to a motor issue that prevents the machines from properly bringing sexually frustrated housewives to shuddering climax,” said product safety coordinator Lisa Poundstone

Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche is set to meet with Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell a few hours before she is found dead by suicide in her heavily guarded cell, sources confirmed.

“Ms. Maxwell was a close friend and associate of Jeffrey Epstein and we believe she is the key to getting to the bottom of what the disgraced financier and convicted sex offender had been up to behind he scenes. I’m looking forward to talking with her about how she has never met President Trump, and how the Obama administration used Epstein’s island as their home base,” said Blanche. [...]

President and former pen pal of Jeffery Epstein, Donald Trump has finally released his version of the controversial ‘Epstein client list’.

The one page document, which was written in Sharpie, lacked any evidence and grammar; but did manage to name multiple people Trump alleges were involved with the clients.

The entire contents of the document was as follows: “IT WAS OBAMA BIDEN AND COLBERT” [...]

Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning and evening despite constantly championing her mindfulness and self-care routine, confirmed sources.

“I didn’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never really lived, you know? I think Taylor Swift came up with that,” mused Johnson from her studio in Atwater Village. “I came to the conclusion at the start of the year that I just needed to be living more intentionally. So instead of going back and forth between apps on my phone all day long, I now stick to one for a few hours at a time at the beginning and end of each day. Yes, sometimes you do have to trudge through some unsavory beheading and/or domestic terrorism videos before you get to the really emotionally grounding content, but it is always worth it.” [...]

Taylor Swift, Ryan Gosling and a host of other celebrities have been told to take extra security precautions, after the deaths of Ozzie Osbourne and Pope Francis failed to diminish public interest in the Epstein files.

An anonymous source said the White House’s strategy of flooding the media cycle with non-Epstein celebrity news may need to ramp up.

“We thought 48-hours of Osbourne retrospectives would do the trick. But no. It turns out people really want to see these damn files,” the source said. [...]