The Onion

In an official statement released yesterday, Israeli military officials have said that they will absolutely enact a ceasefire the second they run out of rockets.

“We have pledged our commitment to stop dropping bombs on Gaza once we physically run out of bombs to drop,” said a spokesperson for the Israeli military. “Once we get through all the rockets, we’ll take a little pause. We will pick back up right where we left off the moment we get more rockets, though.”

Israeli officials said that while they were “still pretty solid” in terms of their rocket supply and had actually been receiving more rockets from the U.S. at “an almost overwhelming rate,” there was still technically potential for a ceasefire if all their rockets disappeared in, like, some sort of freak glitch in the matrix type scenario or something.

While advocates for the de-escalation of Israeli’s military forces claim this “isn’t good enough” and is actually a “overtly implausible scenario,” Israeli military officials have held firm in their position.

“Everyone keeps being like ‘ceasefire this, ceasefire that’ and it’s like, we’re getting there, okay?” one military official told reporters. “Just give us 25 more days of relentless, indiscriminate military strikes, plus an unspecified number of days after that because I can’t stress enough how quickly we’re being supplied with new bombs.”

“In the time we’ve been talking, our military just dropped 12 more bombs on Gaza,” another military official added, unprompted.

Israeli military officials added that if people really wanted a ceasefire, they’d actually be calling for them to pick up the pace of the bombings.

“I don’t think people understand how many bombs we have to burn through,” they said. “For every bomb we drop, we receive 15 more. We’re really going to have to increase our rate if we want to make any sort of dent in them.”

When asked if they would consider enacting a ceasefire now, and allow humanitarian aid to enter Gaza, the Israeli officials looked visibly confused.

“And not drop the bombs? Wait, sorry, so in this scenario you’re suggesting, we have bombs to drop, but for some reason we’re not dropping them? Sorry, I think I’m misunderstanding you.”

When the reporter responded that the official had understood them correctly and that a ceasefire was not only necessary, but highly time-sensitive, the official just restated their earlier position.

“Look, if we have the bombs, we’re going to drop them. Dropping bombs is all we know. We love dropping bombs and, more specifically, dropping them on things.”

However, when asked to confirm that their bombs were the ones that hit hospitals and churches, killing thousands of innocent civilians, the official immediately pivoted, saying, “Our bombs haven’t actually hit anything, we just drop them in open fields and stuff. That was Hamas, probably.”

link: https://reductress.com/post/israeli-military-promises-to-enact-a-ceasefire-once-they-run-out-of-rockets/

link: https://reductress.com/post/interesting-box-tops-for-education-apparently-not-valid-toward-student-loans/

CARMEL, IN—Addressing a group of reporters dressed mostly in long-sleeved shirts, suit jackets, and full-length pants, the nation’s big guys in shorts held a press conference Tuesday to announce that while the autumn weather may seem brisk to others, they tend to run hot. “We run pretty hot, so this doesn’t feel cold to us,” said big guy in shorts Justin Bell, who spoke on behalf of men across the country who were currently wearing cargo shorts, light sweatshirts, and open-toed footwear when they went outside, even as temperatures dipped down into the 40s. “This is shorts weather, as far as we’re concerned, probably because our internal thermostats are set a bit higher than yours. So if you see us walking down the sidewalk, no need to tell us we’re going to catch a cold. We’re actually quite comfortable wearing this. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, do you mind turning down the heat? We’re starting to sweat a little.” At press time, the nation’s big guys in shorts concluded the press conference by announcing they were “sweating balls up here.”

link: https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-big-guys-in-shorts-announce-they-run-hot-1850942623

Dying Gazans Criticized For Not Using Last Words To Condemn Hamas on midwest.soical

SAN FRANCISCO — Claiming he had accidentally swapped his schedule for the day, Twitter CEO and Neuralink founder Elon Musk shocked fans and shareholders by killing a female employee and impregnating a monke

WASHINGTON—Upon returning from his brief diplomatic trip to the Middle East, President Joe Biden urged the nation Thursday not to let dangerous online rhetoric humanize Palestinians.

Representatives for the Israel Defence Forces have greeted with enthusiasm an application from Australian Victoria Cross winner Ben Roberts-Smith to join its ranks.

The former 7 News boss reached out to the IDF after reports of what is happening in the region, claiming that his skills and experience are perfect for the kinds of operations they have been conducting in Gaza.

“This stuff is what I do best,” wrote Roberts-Smith, “I understand that in order to take down a terrorist cell, civilian casualties are a reality, and perhaps even a side goal. Who knows, maybe those children will grow up to join ISIS or whatever group you’re fighting? We need to put a stop to them.”

Roberts-Smith wrote that he has big ideas on how to revolutionise the IDF’s actions in Gaza. Explaining that while the IDF prefers modern drone strikes and missile barrages into civilian populations, he prefers a more traditional ‘hands-on’ approach like kicking the civilians off cliffs and crashing cars into cliffs in order to shoot their dogs.

“With all the bombings of hospitals, refugee camps and escape routes, you miss the opportunity for bonding with your fellow soldiers over a nice leggy. I mean it’s efficient, sure, but nowhere near as fun.”

“Plus when it comes to ‘evidence’, I have plenty of Dora the Explorer lunch boxes to bury and one phone call from me and all those pesky former IDF soldiers condemning the actions in Gaza… well let’s just say they will be far too afraid to testify.”

“He is almost too perfect for the job,” said one IDF official, “he even went so far as to get Kerry Stokes to commit to having Channel 7 help our propaganda operations. That isn’t even the responsibility of a soldier.”

GAZA CITY, GAZA—Following conflicting accounts of a horrific attack on a Gaza hospital, officials from the Israeli Defense Forces released a new statement Wednesday that claimed it was you, the reader of this very article, who committed the act of terror.

Following an attack in which Hamas killed more than 1,200 Israelis and took an estimated 199 hostage, Israel has retaliated by killing thousands of Palestinians; cutting off water, fuel, and electricity; and ordering over 1.1 million citizens to evacuate from North Gaza. Amid the violence, death, and countless violations of the Geneva conventions, The Onion asked Americans how they are ignoring the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.

This kid is going places.

GAZA CITY, GAZA—The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated denunciation of the violent attacks by Hamas that have left over 1,300 Israelis dead, one dying woman holding her 6-year-old son who had just been killed in a bombing is said to have doubled down by telling her child she loved him. According to reports, such barbarism on the part of Palestinians was on full display across the Gaza Strip, where many men of fighting age could not muster a single world of reproof for Hamas’ actions while they coughed up blood. In war-ravaged Gaza City, a dying reporter was heard blatantly begging for help instead of labeling Hamas a terrorist organization. At press time, the Israeli Defense Forces Twitter account underscored the massive surge of contempt they were contending with by posting a video that featured the shocking savagery of a Palestinian corpse that refused to condemn Hamas even when kicked.

link: https://www.theonion.com/dying-gazans-criticized-for-not-using-last-words-to-con-1850925657