The Onion

link: https://reductress.com/post/oh-no-this-woman-drank-so-much-sleepytime-tea-she-was-pronounced-legally-dead/

21-year-old Genevieve DeSola never expected the little indie darling she bought in 2018 to fundamentally change her personhood.

“At first,” she began sheepishly over our Discord call interview, “It was just a speed game, y’know? Just came out, everyone was talking about how good it was, how great of a run it was. People were figuring out secrets ‘n shit, digging around, seeing what worked and what didn’t. Everyone was talking. It was, like, a burgeoning community.”

At the time of Celeste’s release, Genevieve (known to her friends as Genny) was going by her birth name, and still identified as male. She had always felt closer to the girls in her highschool, but was often ostracized by those around her for her niche interests, such as speedrunning, which she found much solace in. She recalls one of her first speed games being Super Meat Boy, another difficult movement platformer.

“I never really paid attention to the story. Just sorta mashed through the levels, trying to unlock ‘em all so I could practice on them. But then the weirdest thing happened one night. My computer’s hard drive got fucked, and I had no clue about cloud saves at the time. Think I just turned them off at some point.” she recalled to us with a chuckle. “Stupid in hindsight.”

“But, anyway,” she continued, “I had to start from the very beginning. I was fucking pissed, but after sleeping on it, I decided to actually, like, listen to the story this time. That’s when shit started clicking.”

One of the aspects of Celeste’s story is that many of the themes are allegories to the transgender experience; the very mountain the player climbs is, in one part, an allegory for the creator, Mandy Thorson’s journey to accept her own trans identity over the game’s development.

Genevieve saw herself in that.

“The main character, like, carries all this shit with her on the climb. Doesn’t see herself in the mirror, just all her shame and what she hates about herself. I felt that, but I didn’t know why. Then the creator herself came out in 2019, ‘n talked about how she felt the same things as I did. It’s hard to explain.”

After that, Genevieve began browsing transgender subreddits, and listening to other people’s experiences of also realizing they were trans because of Celeste. Then, in 2020, she came out as a trans woman, and began HRT in 2021.

She ended our interview with a message to all the other ‘eggs’ in the gaming scene:

“Sometimes, a game’s gonna hit you in a way you don’t know how to feel about. And sometimes, you gotta sit with those feelings. Don’t push them to the back or ignore them ‘cause they make you feel weird. The weird feelings are usually the truest.”

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/video-games/former-mans-playthrough-of-celeste-one-of-her-most-important-life-experiences/

When you’re famous, it’s all too easy to find yourself surrounded by people more interested in your wealth and social status than your best interests. Just take this rapper for example, whose closest “friends” are letting him down in a truly devastating way: No one in Drake’s crew is brave enough to tell him that cussing and premarital sex are sins.

Ugh…it seems like no one in Drake’s crew cares if he spends the afterlife in God’s eternal paradise or not.

Take one listen to any Drake album, and it’s abundantly clear that no one in his life is willing to have an honest conversation with him about his godless behavior, which includes having frequent sex outside of marriage, writing lyrics full of curse words, and stealing other rappers’ flows. Sadly, the downside of Drake’s fame is that people rarely tell him “no”, even when he needs to hear it for the sake of God’s righteous judgment. For fear of losing access to his influence and power, 40, Baka, Niko, Chubbs, and all of Drake’s other OVO crew members allow—no, encourage—him to partake in heavy drinking and bring strippers back to his hotel rooms, fully knowing that these acts will be charged as sins in Jesus’s ledger.

If even one of Drake’s pals had the courage to take him aside and explain that his insatiable lust for thick women and obsessive penchant for cussing in his raps are displeasing to God, they could save his soul from eternal damnation. Unfortunately, none of Drake’s friends are willing to risk their place in his inner circle to prevent him from giving in to immoral temptations, even if it means Drake is ultimately turned away from the most exclusive club of all: Heaven. And that’s just heartbreaking.

Real friends don’t enable friends to pursue worldly comforts and excess over spiritual satisfaction…and needless to say, Drake is sorely lacking in real friends right now.

On the bright side, it’s never too late for Drake to seek God’s forgiveness and live a moral life according to the scriptures. All we can do is hope that the next time Drake is in the studio recording a song that features the “F” word, someone who actually cares about his soul, and not his money, will be brave enough to intervene. We are praying for you either way, Drake!

link: https://clickhole.com/surrounded-by-yes-men-no-one-in-drakes-crew-is-brave-enough-to-tell-him-that-cussing-and-premarital-sex-are-sins/

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. “We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a significant link between an expansive waistline and the tendency of another person to press their lips to one’s stomach and make a wet, vibrating sound,” said physician and study co-author Marcus Kessler, noting that the greater the amount of visceral fat around the midsection, the sloppier-sounding, louder, and more frequent the raspberries became. “In addition, the risk of someone blowing on the skin to create a noise imitative of flatulence grows more acute the more one’s belly peeks out from underneath a shirt. Bigger bellies can have other grave consequences as well, including an increased risk of someone poking the stomach with an index finger and emitting a gleeful ‘tee-hee’ in a loud falsetto.” Kessler went on to advise against scrunching up the belly fat and pretending it was a talking face, as this only made raspberries more likely.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-belly-fat-linked-to-increased-risk-of-being-1851045100

My personal favorite:

LOS ANGELES—In response to the departure of longtime cast member Bobby Berk, producers for the television show Queer Eye told reporters Thursday they were struggling to find a replacement who was both white and gay. “It’s such a specific requirement—being not only white, but also gay—that we quite frankly don’t know how we’ll ever find the next member of the Fab Five,” said series creator and producer David Collins, adding that while his team had interviewed many potential candidates who were either white or gay, finding someone who was both had proven nearly impossible. “We already have one brown guy and one Black guy in the cast, so adding another gay person of color is out of the question. And though we’ve had some white gay women apply, none of them have been a good fit. Honestly, at this point, we’d probably accept any white man who has even kissed a guy before.” At press time, the producers announced they had set up the hotline 1-800-WHITE-GAY to receive any casting leads.

link: https://www.theonion.com/queer-eye-producers-struggling-to-find-cast-replaceme-1851028538

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location

LOS ANGELES — In an unprecedented potential crossover between the United State’s vast military might and viral TikTok dances, we have approached the CIA Predator drone circling our home to help film our “Bin Laden Dance” TikTok video, sources with their finger on the trigger and ready to do what ultimately needs to be done confirmed.

“It was just circling around and around, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s a good angle so why not?'” said Hard Drive’s 17-year-old Jenna Marquez. “So we flashed our phone screens at it and mimed a camera. Next thing we know, it’s adjusting its angle for a better shot!”

We are proud to report that the drone seemed eager to participate once it understood the assignment, facing directly toward us as we danced.

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location with the tension in his voice steadily rising. “Weapons ready! Permission to engage, SIR!?”

Hard Drive’s Kevin Francis, 18, said the idea for the dance had come about after we had seen other Tiktoker’s referencing Osama bin Laden’s now-viral ‘Letter to America.”

“I personally still believe they just hate us for our freedom,” said Francis. “But man these girls are hot and if they want to collab that will do big numbers for me.”

At press time, Hard Drive’s staff was seen enthusiastically cheering on what we believed to be a red “recording on” light on the weapons system of the drone.

link: https://hard-drive.net/hd/politics/tiktokers-ask-cia-predator-drone-hovering-above-house-to-help-film-viral-bin-laden-dance/

WOODSIDE, Calif. — A confused and disoriented President Joe Biden made a stirring declaration to Chinese Premier Xi Jinping insisting he tear down the Great Wall of China, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“If you seek peace, if you seek prosperity, and if you seek to to unite to unite against the Soviet Union once and for all then you must go to the countryside. President Xi, tear down that wall,” said Biden to a small smattering of applause and stifled laughter. “And let me tell you what else Jack. I think all the meals at Chinese food restaurants should be numbered so I just have to say the number. Some of those dishes are hard to pronounce. I sit there stumbling over the words and I feel like a real turkey. Just let me order by number, or at least point at a big photo of the food.”

A spokesperson for President Xi responded to the unusual request.

“With all due respect to President Biden, Russia is a key player in global affairs in a much different way than it was thirty years ago. In our ongoing commitment to global peace and prosperity we believe that it is important not to alienate large countries, like Russia, from the global system,” said the spokesperson. “In addition, the Great Wall is an integral part of Chinese history and an artifact that brings tourists from around the world, including many Americans. We aren’t really sure why anyone would want it torn down, it’s just kind of sitting there doing it’s own thing. You should come visit sometime. It’s very nice.”

Historian of presidential foreign affairs, John Deacon, likened this to the infamous January 1992 incident where President George H.W. Bush vomited on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap.

“While it’s not nearly as gross, it definitely undermines the strength that the US wants to convey in the face of a growing power like China,” Deacon said. “And the Chinese food thing… I mean, look, I get it. I have a tough time ordering sometimes too. You get in your own head, like are you pronouncing this right? Does the waiter even know what I’m talking about? What if I accidentally order the wrong thing? I don’t know Mandarin. But you keep those things to yourself and you eat whatever you ended up ordering and you don’t complain. Or you order something easy like orange chicken with a side of rice. It’s not that difficult.”

At press time, Biden proudly announced he had secured more funding for a barbaric border wall on the Southern border.

link: https://thehardtimes.net/culture/president-xi-tear-down-that-wall-demands-confused-biden-during-meeting-with-chinese-premier/