The Onion

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“One local man seeking the free Christian foot wash advertised during the Super Bowl this last weekend walked away from Seattle’s St. James Cathedral absolutely confused tonight after they said the best they could offer him is smudging black ash on his forehead.“

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LOS ANGELES — Legendary metal musician, and noted septuagenarian, Ozzy Osbourne broke new ground when he became the first old white man to complain about a rap song and actually be on the right side of history.

“This is the first time we’ve ever seen a person of Ozzy’s age, wealth status, and complexion complain about a rap song or artist and actually be correct. Especially when they say it in an all-caps Tweet,” said music scholar Aiden Lawrence

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