The Onion

In an unprecedented move, 13-year-old Brandon “Tired Bones” Hayden announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from his longstanding position as Commander and Chief of Chores. Citing reasons of fatigue, mental decline, and bad golf scores. Brandon does not have the power to appoint his successor but since he only has one sibling, his 10 year old sister Carmella is the only logical choice given such short notice.

The decision came after months of speculation and whispers around the dinner table about Brandon’s ability to maintain the rigorous standards of chore duty established during his tenure. Neighbors and family members alike have noted his frequent confusion, increase in naps and tendency to stare blankly at the wall.

Carmella, who has been serving as the backup chores officer, expressed her readiness to take on the new role. “I’ve been in training for years,” she said “I know I have some orthopedic shoes to fill, but I’m confident I can make our household clean again.”

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