The Onion

(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.

(Detroit, MI) Republicans have begun a crusade against the time-honored 1981 classic Raiders of the Lost Ark, citing a lack of respect for the first amendment and encouraging political violence.

Sites like imdb.com have seen a surge in new accounts as Conservative Americans across the nation are creating profiles in order to leave a one-star rating for the Spielberg classic Raiders of the Lost Ark. According to these reviews, the film contains gratuitous politically-motivated violence, and a complete disregard for the first amendment right granting freedom of speech. According to inside sources, viewers feel threatened by the persecution experienced by the characters in the film, decrying it as glorifying violence.

"I don't expect them to agree on everything," one reviewer writes, "but violence isn't warranted for differences in political alignments. Ultimately, [Jones] and his competition have more in common than they have different." Another critic writes that they "of course don't identify with the politics of these characters, but cannot condone the slander and persecution presented against them." Similarly, many reviews cite tolerance as a virtue sadly missing from the movie. Summarizing the position aptly, one review states, "if he would simply sit down and have a rational debate, rather than punching the Nazis, I'm certain Indiana could have resolved his differences without so much bloodshed."

Related, ratings for 1963's The Great Escape have seen a sharp improvement, with reviews praising the dedication and efficiency of the soldiers depicted in the film, even though three prisoners manage to escape.

WASHINGTON—Whining that they were being discriminated against even though they were the “bestest sons ever in the whole wide world,” the Trump Boys attempted Thursday to convince their father that Barron was getting unfair advantages because he was a DEI. “Daddy, Barron is ruining our lives because he’s different,” said a pouting Donald Jr., who sobbed while describing how their little brother received preferential treatment even though he couldn’t do cartwheels, play basketball, or make fart noises as good as they could. “If we don’t do something, soon it’ll be nothing but Barron Trumps around here. We think it’s time to fire him from the family forever, and then send him back to wherever REIs [sic] come from!” At press time, the Trump boys had put on baseball helmets and aprons and rushed into Barron’s room to deport him to “Guacamole Bay” [sic].

Shocking news as the world leaders at being total cunts came together to try and out-cunt each other.

This comes as a war criminal cunt went to the White House to visit the felon Cunt-in-chief.

(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.

“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”

At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with this, but what choice do I have? Conservatives got what they want, and we are along for the ride. I’m so sorry to other countries what this product will be pushed on them whether they like it or not.” He grimaced, eyeing his case. “Republicans keep saying this is great, but anything would be better than this putrid garbage.”

While both sides - one openly and one secretly - detest the new reality, independent voters seem to be waking up to the fact they also are subjected to the same dismal slime by fiat. “I didn’t care either way,” said one, “but now I see all this crap around me, and I think some adult should be in charge. Maybe I should have paid more attention.”

Pepsi Despair will be available through 2028, if not longer.

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