The Onion

(Washington DC) As the trump administration continues - to the cheers of republicans and the dismay of Americans - to dismantle the government bureaucracy and insult nations around the world, news has surfaced of a bright moment that should unify the nation in acceptance. Marc Fogle, an American school teacher held in russia over possession of a small amount of medical marijuana, has been held for three year in russian jails; however, direct talks between trump and russian president vladimir putin quickly led to the release of Fogle, who enjoyed a tearful embrace with his family this week. Americans on both sides, however, are not sure how to react.

“I don’t see how this hurts democrats,” said Doug Crabler, a Columbus, Ohio temporary assembly line hire. “Sure his family is happy, but what if one of them voted for Harris? Also, what did we trade for, no one is talking about that?”

“Yeah, this seems like a distraction from DOGE getting rid of them useless government employees,” said one coworker, not aware that weakened labor laws were decreasing wages at the plant. “I mean, it’s good, but it might not help us get rid of all those extra state department guys if they look good with things like this.”

Democratic voters are also torn in their response. “I’m happy for Marc and his family,” said Betty Schluster, a lifelong democratic voter. “But I don’t know how to take this. Can trump do something good? On purpose? I’m having trouble rectifying that idea in my head with everything else going on. Also, what was traded? Why is no one talking about that part?”

The trump administration, who touts the release as a good sign towards ending the war in Ukraine, claims “not much” was given in return. Betty Schluster was not impressed by that response. “Okay, that is normal trump again, refusing to say what we gave and trying the release to the war in Ukraine. I’m just trying to wrap my head around him doing something noble… there has to be a way this hurts people.”

Doug Crabler agreed: “there has to be a way this hurts people,” he said confidently.

Reporters gathered at the scene noted that by “putting [his] body on the line,” this particular lawmaker apparently just meant standing at the back of a quiet group and playing online chess on his phone.

(Washington DC) As the republican party continues to deliver on their campaign promises in a rapid yet still slow-motion-trainwreck manner, cracks are beginning to show in party unity. As the republicans move to buy Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blueland,” opposition is starting to emerge from inside the party, with representatives “loosely attached to and partially funded in times of need” by Mountain Dew, a subsidiary of Pepsi. These representatives (and one republican senator) are not happy about the change, and are vocal.

“When I think of Greenland, I think of the cool, refreshing taste of Mountain Dew,” said one member of the appropriately named Baja Blast Caucus. “It doesn’t matter if you are snowboarding or watching massive sheets of ice slide into the sea, it should be done with the color green firmly in mind. With this in consideration, we have proposed the name be changed instead to The Great Taste of Mountain Dew Original Land.”

Mountain Dew, known for it’s sugary soda and brief, disastrous sponsorship of childhood obesity, “sponsors” 8 members of congress, and is said to be looking to hire more, for problems exactly like this one. “Greenland was already named to deceive settlers once,” said one Mountain Dew representative, “and once is enough. I mean who’s going to pay a representative to fight for red white and blue, the popsicle lobby?” He thought for a minute. “Well, maybe the Chinese flag manufacturing lobby. I didn’t think of that.”

Already competition is strong for renaming cities in the country as well. “Reykjavik is hard to pronounce,” a confused republican congresswoman declared. “We should rename it Freedomtown. Or maybe Nestle.”

Danish officials could not be reached for comment on the naming rights of their territories.

(Beijing, China) Not even a month into the administration, the policies of donald trump have quickly sought to remake the US government in his interests. As government agencies shutter, international aid stops, and unneeded enemies are made from allies, one international competitor is spinning trying to keep up.

“We thought 60 years to be the dominant power,” says one Chinese official that asked we will call Win to protect his identity. “This shit is ridiculous, slow down and let us catch up, this is too fast.”

Win, one of many Chinese officials working to bring China to world supremacy, is one of many in the Chinese government alarmed with the rapid, some would say spirally out-of-control, behavior of the trump regime. “Under a normal US President, we would work twenty years to place a bug in his office. We sent a dozen off brand air tags to his office in a white envelope last week, spray painted gold and saying ‘trump + appil’ on them. He put them on all his luggage. We misspelled Apple!” He took a hard drag on his cigarette. “This is like throwing babies in a shark tank. Too easy, not fun.”

Pacific Rim countries also feel the whip lash as the balance quickly changes. “America still has the larger military,” said one Philippine general, “but how fast can you drive a Lamborghini on quaaludes? I mean, American ships go through our waters all the time,” he rationalized. “Maybe the Chinese just really want a base and prostitutes, like the Americans.

China hawks in Congress are also distracted by the problems at home. “Did you know a gay man could have sat on the same toilet as me in the Congressional offices,” one republican Senator was overheard telling Lindsey Graham (R - S.C.). A gay man’s bottom and mine could have been touching… Lindsey, stop smiling, this is serious!”

How far China will go as America falters is anyone’s guess, but Win feels concern at the windfall. “America became dominant in the world very quickly as a world war ravaged most of the world but them. This administration can’t be as bad as a war killing millions, can they?” His look of concern was telling. “I hope this doesn’t turn us into an America. I want my kids to have opportunities when we seize the world and suck the marrow from its bones.”

The president’s office was trying on goofy hats and unable to comment by publish.

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