(Washington DC) As Pride Month begins in the US, republican complaints about the festivities, events, and recognition of diversity are rapidly growing, both inside the trump White House and around the country. In a step to draw attention away from the festivities, the trump White House is organizing a “Shame Month,” meant to highlight their view that recognizing diversity hurts the US image as a melting pot of different cultures. To start things off, the president and his HHS Secretary are planning to lick a bat during a press conference on June 1st.
Event organizers say the bat, a Chinese Black Bearded Tomb Bat, is meant to symbolize both the republican belief that alternative sexual life styles lead to beastiality, and that covid isn’t real. “Covid isn’t real, or it may cause autism,” said one of the more recent HHS hires, an event organizer. “We’re not sure which one of these is true. But when the president and the secretary lick this bat, Americans will know the truth, finally, at last.”
Not all Americans feel this is the best use of the president’s time. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler in eastern Nebraska, feels this event may actually hurt the president’s reputation as an effective communicator. “I can get what he’s going for,” he said. “But those China bats can be full of Covid, and if he gets sick, it might hurt his chances of looking strong, which is what matters to me. I think he should just watch RFK lick the bat, and maybe film it or something.”
Reporters, however, are excited to cover the event. “This almost makes all this stupidity worth it,” said one reporter who asked not to be named for fear of losing his press pass. “I kind of feel we should ask what animals he [the president] would refuse to lick, to see if we can make this a regular thing. Do you think they’d lick a squirrel? Where do you think RFK would lick… you know what, I will withdraw that question.”
The June First event is one of many scheduled for Shame Month, including a massive military parade to celebrate government spending. A full schedule of events is expected to be released on the first of the month, when the press department has more tokens to generate content.
The Department of HHS declined to comment who would lick the bat first.