The Onion

(Washington DC) Court members were repeatedly pressed for comment on Saturday, as word has leaked out of a huge offer from Palantir Technologies to purchase the judicial activity of Justice Clarence Thomas, with a reported 1.2 billion dollars being offered in the deal. The offer details released so far include luxury housing, travel arrangements, and concubines, valued much higher than Thomas’s current indenture under billionaire Harlan Crow. Court watchers say this could be the largest known deal to date involving a US government official.

Thomas, an often maligned conservative justice of the Supreme Court, has multiple complaints levied against him of impropriety over the years. This new deal would blow past his previous offenses and could - should the court ever adopt an official code of ethics - lead to his resignation from government.

For now, though, the main question for is whether Thomas will stay loyal to his current owner, or switch teams. Palantir CEO Alex Karp says the change makes sense. “[Harlan] Crow has been hogging Clarence for quite some time, and for much less than the value he receives. Sure, he now has a free house for his mother, but we have real porn stars ready to do live porn on his command, with scripts written with the latest in AI. Clarence loves porn. And yeah, we can do much better than the house Crow bought him.”

“Harlan Crow needs to accept that if you want a man to play ball, you need to pay him like a star. Justice Thomas would be a great addition to our current roster of Congressmen and Senators.”

But not everyone is happy about the deal. “This is bullshit,” exclaimed comedian and news anchor John Oliver of Last Week Tonight. “I offered the man a camper… a very nice one, I might add… to retire, and now these assholes sweep in and pay him boatloads of money to keep going. Boatloads… I imagine a literal boat full of money pulling up to his beach house every time he makes a ruling! I’m only HBO money, you have to let a man like me compete!”

Those in the media question whether Thomas will agree to all the terms -wearing company branded robes is one stipulation know to be included - but also question whether Palantir needs the justice at all. “This man would make any conservative ruling for free, regardless of any paycheck,” said one media member who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisal. “I know it’s prestigious to own a justice, but the money might be better spent bribing the media. What… you saying you don’t want a billion dollars?”

Court watchers will be watching to see whose jet Thomas is flying on in the coming months.

(Washington DC) In a statement Friday, donald trump confirmed he will win the UFC fight planned to be held in the White House: “well of course I will win, and america wins,” trump told reporters as the rose garden was being paved. “I can’t spoil everything, although I can, and there is a chair and it will be really something, there will be blood and maybe Ivanka, it will be really something.” Trump then ‘pantomimed’ choking a Fox news reporter, who was later hospitalized with bruises to his neck.

(Beijing, China) As the US enters the July 4th weekend with the passing of the comprehensive republican legislation package, China-watchers are noting an alarming shakeup in the Chinese Intelligence community. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) is laying off tens of thousands of workers, announcing “a new era of cost saving, using foreign outsourcing to improve results.” The new plan, approved by Xi Jinping on Friday, plans strategic investments of the money in republican primary races across the US for the 2026 elections. Policymakers in DC have mixed feelings about the new approach.

“This is foreign interference at its worst,” said Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pennsylvania) at a weekend barbecue. “My No vote this week has cost me serious political capital with the president, so it is outlandish that his sworn enemy, the Chinese, would try to primary me. This should be illegal.”

It is illegal. But DOJ enforcement officers say they cannot comment, given the president has not issued a tweet on the matter, which would supersede any legal precedent. Democrats also say their hands are tied.

“We are firmly against it,” said Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) at a barbecue on Friday. “We are firmly against this matter.” When asked what steps democrats would take to uphold the law, he reaffirmed his statement, saying, “I told you, we are very, firmly against it. I’ve said it three times now.”

Chinese spies, previously excited at the tumult in the US, also expressed their anger at the move. “I have been trying to bring down america for 20 years, said one spy. “To be outsourced for half the price… and look at what they’re doing even before our spending over there. Our government says to think of it as on-shoring american self-harm, but republicans take no pride in destroying america like we do.”

This is a little late, but it is kind of funny.

ope, not onion

So there I was, minding my own business, when, for some inexplicable reason, I found myself idly thinking about the fall of the Romanov dynasty. For the life of me, I can’t tell you what led me to reflect on the moment when Nicholas II lost control over a once-burgeoning empire due to widespread unrest that he himself had a hand in shaping. Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe those barometric pressure changes can lead to more than just headaches?

(Washington DC) As attacks escalate in the Middle East, attention remains on the constant leaks from the trump administration regarding policy. After recent praise of the Defense Department on the secrecy around the B2 attacks on Iran, CNN has begun to report on rumors this could not have happened if Sec Hegseth had been drinking an excessive amount of vodka. They have called on the Secretary to help them stop the rumors, by appearing on their program and drinking one-fifth of a gallon (750 mL) of vodka in one sitting, then giving an interview on the administration. The Secretary has responded warmly on whatever twitter is called now.

He responded: “Easy to prove this, probably in one swallow if I skip breakfast. Delighted to prove being a secretary doesn’t mean wearing a dress.”

CNN host Anderson Cooper responded warmly with an invite on that evening’s newscast, keeping a very straight face.

CNN executives hope this is one of many interviews they will host, after hiring a dozen high school and colleges psychology counselors to their advisory staff. “We have had major issues reaching out to the administration, but we feel certain changes may address this. Pete is a strong man, and a serious bro, and we think this challenge will make him stand out as trump’s favorite. Also, kristi noem… girl who ruined your nails… call me and we can fix that, I know the best girl that can make those babies shine!”

When asked by a CNN reporter in a low cut dress if he only hired men that could handle tough challenges like the interview, the president was quick to agree with the statement. “Well of course I only hire the best people… Pete… Pete? …yes Pete is a good man and we’re really proud of what he’s doing.

Hegseth’s sponsor could not be reached for comment.

(Washington, DC) As attacks by israel and iran continue into their third week, US president donald trump announced he is pleased with how the world responded to his “total and immediate cease fire,” which he intended as a test for us all, and which we passed.

“I didn’t declare a cease fire, that would be ridiculous to declare a cease fire,” trump said at his New Jersey golf resort Tuesday. “Nobody is declaring peace… that was a test. A test. A big test and you have all passed, and I’m very proud of you, the passing, because a test is hard but your passing the test was about passing.”

Some US Middle East experts praise the president for his attempt to declare a cease fire, and his novel approach. “This is a complex situation,” said one expert, “and in tense times, a child’s innocence can sometimes make cooler heads prevail. The fact this child is an overweight confused old man in this scenario… does not mean the novelty of telling people they weren’t at war couldn’t work.”

Republicans agree. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in west Texas, said, “the president ended the war, that is final. And maybe when those two stop shooting each other, they’ll realize this ended years ago, when trump said it did. Also, I’m proud to pass the president’s test. I didn’t even study.”

Both israel and iran remained at war at time of publishing.

This classic from The Onion was originally published all the way back in 2003.