The Onion

“Wow, you’ve got the whole room tarped up—you guys doing some painting later?”

(Washington DC) In a move even some in his party question, the trump white house says they are ready to release a list of his current, legal-age mistresses, to counter allegations of sexual wrong-doing by the president. Reactions were swift and vocal.

“This was on my bingo card,” shouted one reporter above the uproar at the press briefing. In the flurry of followup questions by reporters, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified that the list is not yet public, there are seven names on it, and two of those named have been in movies (later clarified to being in Netflix original dramas or better). The list will be released when the Epstein documents have not been in the headlines for 3 days. When asked if the list contained all of trumps mistresses, she clarified, “everyone that is on this list is over the age of consent in their state.”

“I hope this finally ends the controversy,” she added.

Mixed reactions are being seen all over the country and around the world. “Seven?” Said Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni. “That’s like trying to drink seven beers at once. I would rather see the files.”

In an opposing view, House Speaker Mike Johnson applauded the president for changing the subject. “I am a man of god, and I would much rather see his list of mistresses, that are legal, then discuss whether there are pedophiles among those that control our government.

Americans are mixed on the topic. Surprisingly, Republican women seem excited to discuss the topic, and a trend of #Imightbeonthelist started briefly in conservative circles, until people began age-checking accounts. Still there is excitement among republicans as they try to guess the seven women of legal age in some states who sleep with the president.

The office of the first lady could not be reached for comment.

Q: Who was president when Epstein mysteriously died in prison?

A: The alleged suicide took place in between the end of Obama’s second term and the beginning of the Biden administration.

Took me a second.

(Washington DC) As rumors continue to fly about which sex tape trump will release to distract the media from the Epstein files, one online posting from the president is drawing attention from what he didn’t say.

In a message on truth social this morning, trump posted, “just saw something a bit too racist, thought about posting but decided not to, thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Press Secretary Leavitt had this comment in her morning news briefing: “I don’t personally review the content [the president sees], but I trust him to release only the information America needs to see, and that is what he does.” She refused to comment on followup questions regarding the Epstein files.

Still, curiosity in the media has wanting to know what was too shocking for the president to release. Said one White House watcher, “given what he does put out, it would have to be really bad. Like a dog-drowning-a-baby bad.”

Inside sources at the White House are also confused at the president’s tact in the matter. “I’ve seen what he laughs at,” said one, “and it’s got to be really bad if he cares what people think.”

(Washington DC) As questions mount about trump’s involvement in the Epstein files, and the failure to release them, sources inside the White House say those with known or potential sex tapes are becoming increasingly concerned of their release.

The trump administration, known for its savvy in distracting the media and public, has grown desperate to change headlines, making claims as wide-ranging as demanding Coca Cola change its formulation, to extorting major league football teams. Yet the media, and public, remain fixated on the Epstein files.

“It’s very concerning,” said one blond press staffer who asked not to be named. “We hope the president will attack another country, like New Mexico, but a lot of people [in the administration] are saying a sex tape is the way to go. We were all made to submit any incriminating material when applying, and there are several of the tapes I submitted that could be painful to release.”

“Yes, we’re all concerned,” said one latino staff member in the state department. “I have material out there that’s pretty bad-looking, but given the late hour it was shot, you can tell that pony is only tired, not drugged, and everything is consensual. Still, it would look bad, even though as I said everything was consensual.”

Members of the media agree the tactic may work. “Would I replace the Epstein headlines with a sex tape story,” said one, “let me look at a list of department heads. No, no, yes, maybe, no, maybe on a bet, hell no… I’ll admit I had a dream about this one so maybe. I have to admit, it depends on the person and the tape.”

Only time will tell how the administration will continue to buy time until the scandal blows over. The president’s office was unavailable for comment, reportedly due to increasing tensions with New Mexico.

(Washington DC) As Republicans scramble to justify not releasing the Epstein files after campaigning heavily on their release, more concerning news has come from the White House that the president has begun referring to himself as “Doctor trump.” Multiple White House staff, who ask not to be named, say the president’s staff has requested all White House personnel use the new title when in his presence.

“We think a real doctor left a stethoscope in the Oval Office,” said one, “and he started playing with it… either that or he was commenting on how smart it sounds to say doctor when you have a PhD… look, we can only say he says he’s a doctor, and we’ve been told to play along.”

When questioned, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the new change. “The president is the doctor America needs,” she said at a fundraising event for a golden calf statue being planned for the White House Christmas. “The main stream media should go back to school, to try to keep up with the most brilliant leader of the free world.” She would not answer questions about what kind of doctor trump claimed to be, only saying, “he is the best kind of doctor, that’s all that matters.”

Trump was also vague about the title at his golf course in New Jersey on Saturday, while taking break from golfing in Florida. “I could be a doctor of golf, if I wanted… the Masters… only the Masters, I could play in the Doctors, it’s better than the Masters, I’ll show you, the Saudis did it, it’s very classic. Oh, what kind of doctor am I? Well why don’t you guess a few times, I don’t think you can get it but you can try.” He rebuffed many attempts by the press to guess, pausing only briefly before denying ‘Ultra-Money-Making’ as his specialty.

Democrats responded sharply, by stating that the title of Doctor is not something to be trifled with, and pointing out the many Democrats with actual doctorates or medical degrees. But some political watchers note that complaining, a common Democratic tactic, does not seem to hinder the president from doing what he wants.

Trump was still referring to himself as “Doctor trump” at newstime.