The Onion

"The Safeway circular has treated me very badly. They say you can taste the homestyle difference, but you cannot, and there’s no way that ham can be $8.99 per pound after I brought grocery prices to an all-time low. However, that’s nothing compared to the horrendous ham prices we saw under Biden.”

(Washington DC) White House concerns regarding the Epstein files dominating news coverage hit a new high Friday, as two television networks made large “donations” to the trump presidential library. Both networks said the donations would make sense next week.

Comedy Central, a cable channel often critical of the president, gave a $6.5 million dollar donation to the library, one of trump’s favorite methods to take money from corporations in exchange for favors or leniency. But the donation of $23.5 million from Paramount is the talk of both Hollywood and the Beltway.

“It’s South Park,” said one LA socialite at the new Spam Center opening at Alameda Mall in Beverly Hills. “Rooster and I have a bet, and I get his porche if it’s Star Trek. But everyone knows it’s South Park.” When asked what could merit the high… donation, they replied, “honey, they’ve already shown his dangle, so it has to be good. Can they steal the papers and just show pictures for 30 minutes of every page? That would be so Matt and Trey!”

Of lesser interest is the “donation” of Comedy Central, with the amount much lower than other “donations” in the recent past. Media watchers feel it could be The Daily Show. “Maybe they interview someone who knew trump when he was broke, I don’t know,” said one. “But it’s got nothing on South Park, that was $23.5 million of pure advertising. Do they have his colon scans? No one knows.”

The White House was quick to both demean both channels and accept the donations. However, cracks are appearing in their unified stand. While condemning South Park loudly, Karoline Leavitt was unusually quiet when asked of she would hold a briefing at 10pm on August 6th.

cross-posted from: https://fedia.io/m/australianpolitics@aussie.zone/t/2500227

Foreign Affairs Minister Penny Wong has slammed reports that Australia still sells ‘weapons parts’ to Darth Vader, clarifying that any parts Australia makes for the construction of the Death Star are ‘non-lethal’.

“It is gross misinformation to say that we are in any way part of the Death Star trade just because we sell parts for it,” said Wong.

“The death laser is the lethal part. We don’t sell the laser energy. We only provide parts that help them shoot the laser beam.” [...]

(Washington DC) As Americans grow increasingly alarmed at the rising cost of goods, a new proposal is being floated in the Senate to decrease the value of money in advance, in order to stop inflation. The “Stable Bubble” amendment proposes to reduce the value of the dollar preemptively, thus preventing inflation. Responses have been overwhelmingly positive from republican voters.

“Inflation is a major problem in America,” said Leo Sturbgettter, an unemployed cow detangler from Llano, Texas. “If we can inflate before the prices, we already gonna be inflated. Then there can’t be inflation”

“It’s simple math,” he added.

Not so, says unemployed federal economist and current barrista Tony Larist. “Look I don’t have time to explain this during the rush, but what you’re describing is actually worse than inflation. Call it stoopid inflation. No, use two o’s, it’s that bad.”

When asked how the government would decrease money’s value, the president was extremely candid, apparently pleased to not be dodging Epstein questions. “We have these machines,” he said. “Money machines. All day long they make money, and when I said ‘can they go faster’ they said ‘of course, mr president,’ so I will just print double the money and everything should be fine.”

When asked where the money would go, the president answered, “oh we have places for that… now Epstein… that’s a problem, someone really should look into that.”

The Department of the Treasury would not comment on the proposed plan.

(Annapolis, Maryland) As the trump administration tries desperately to distract from the Epstein files, a new directive has come out to change all Navy vessels’ designation of USS - United States Ship - with the designation PTS, signifying the ship is controlled by president trump. Navy command is expected to begin the new designations at the start of the year.

When questioned at a golf outing in Scotland, trump defended the move. “Well I’m the commander, see… I’m the commander, and I command. These are my ships, because I’m commanding them, so they should say my name. They should, in facts maybe ‘trump’s ship’ is all we need, that will scare the pirates off.”

Washington insiders have trouble deciding if the new move is vanity, an attack on perceived lack of support from the Navy, or a distraction from the Epstein files.

The Department of Defense had no comment on the change.

(Gaza) As hunger grows and relief aid is squeezed by IDF restrictions, Israel was dealt a harsh blow by world court today, saying that the word “Holocaust” cannot be trademarked by the jewish people. Israel had claimed protesters and dying Gazans were violating their rights to the term by using it to describe the wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza.

“This is anti-Semetic,” said rabbi Abraham Kaughman of the Israeli government. “Six million jews died in the true holocaust caused by the Nazis. We can kill everyone, every one of these people, and we’ll hit three million, tops. That’s not the same.”

“If they called it a pogrom, you know the Ukrainians wouldn’t take it.”

The US president also remarked during a golf outing, “you can’t call it champagne if it’s not from that region… none of these Palestinians are dying in Germany.”

Not all voices are against the ruling. Omar Hessah, a Palestinian man in northern Gaza, said: “my children are starving, please send us aid. This does not have to be a holocaust, please.”

But judges agree that while Israel does not need to kill these people, their death can be called a holocaust.

“Wow, you’ve got the whole room tarped up—you guys doing some painting later?”