Men's Liberation

Eric Bandholz is the founder of Beardbrand. His newsletter and YouTube channel have been great sources of healthy masculinity. Here is a newsletter he sent out today.

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FRIENDSHIPS

There is this Venn diagram for many men over thirty – one circle is for "friendships where you can be vulnerable." The other circle is for "friends who live close to you." Sadly, the circles do not overlap.

Over the years, I have developed many great friendships with incredible men. But as life happens, distance comes between those friendships. Suddenly, you’re back at square one and trying to build another strong relationship. Commonly, those new connections aren’t just right, and you can only keep it to surface-level pleasantries.

I’ve felt alone in this world many times. I needed a friend who could understand my work challenges, my relationship challenges, or my parenting challenges and could discuss them over a beer in person.

I had no release, and it only led to darkness.

Fortunately, right now, I feel I have it as good as it gets in today’s world. No, I can’t walk down a few houses to a good friend, but I have several in Austin. No, I can’t usually be spontaneous, but many are down to grab lunch at a moment’s notice.

I talked to my dad about how hard it is to have friendships as an adult man, and he shared a similar sentiment. I know this happens to men of all generations.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

This past week, I went to Olympic National Park to sleep in a cold-ass tent for three nights and test our new deodorant prototype.

This trip is an annual event put on by my good friend, Will Roman of Chisos. It’s approximately 15 like-minded guys from Austin and around the States. I know about half of them, and I get to know the others. We disconnect from technology from families and spend much time sharing our current challenges (and a little bit of roasting each other). Basically, we can let loose, know that we’re in good company who won’t judge, and build stronger relationships.

WHAT ARE THE LOGISTICS?

Step 1: Many months in advance, find three consecutive nights in a beautiful park. We’ve found majestic environments create more intense experiences. It’s also nice to have a bathroom.Step 2: Set the values for the group and start recruiting people. It’s more enticing if you can handle food & water. Include a fee to cover those costs. Plan on a couple of last-minute cancellations.Step 3: Create an online document with trip details, gear needed, contact information, and attendee arrival/departure information.Step 4: Start an email thread for those committed to help start conversations and allow other newbies to get to know others digitally.Step 5: Meet up in nature and enjoy the time together. Have one or two hikes planned, and leave the schedule mostly open and flexible.Step 6: Repeat next year.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO LEAD

People don’t know if you’re looking for this type of experience. Sometimes, you need to take a risk and be the person to create the world you want to be part of. Most people will say "no," but if you can get a few core people on board, you can leverage their friendships and network.

Be sure to set expectations. You can make the event whatever you want—friend roasting, spirituality, yoga, fitness, beer drinking, fishing, etc. (or maybe all of the above).

What’s important is that you do something like this regularly.

There’s no reason that you tackle the world’s challenges alone. These events will help you close that Venn diagram and can help you make friends who are physically and emotionally close.

Keep on growing!

Eric BandholzFounder, Beardbrand

This discussion was inspired by discussion on this post.

Toxic man: oh guess I am just gunna keep doing what I am doing if you aren’t going to tell me what to do.

The reason this comes up is that masculinity is largely based around externally conferred social status. You have to constantly be doing something to maintain an image of masculinity. Often this means some sort of social or physical violence in the right time or place (beat up the mugger to defend your partner, call out your boss when you're being treated unfairly, put rival men in their place). Just as frequently, however, it is the expectation of a certain amount of self sacrifice (paying for meals, military service).

What they don't understand is how anyone can expect them to maintain their social status when they are avoiding this role that they have been explicitly shown that there will be consequences if they fail to meet. The answer is simple: once you're out of the masculinity rat race, you're out. By refusing to take part in the hierarchy of dominance you will eventually be subject to a more general and, frankly, human set of standards.

The only problem is that all of these pressures are external in the first place and this whole dynamic creates strong social gender boundaries. It is very easy for a lot of men to look at their social circles and see exclusively people who punish them for a failure to live up to a masculine ideal.

Gift article, no paywall

I’m kind of amazed that this is getting downvotes after 20 minutes, even though the video is 33 minutes. I guess you already saw this?

As has been discussed already here in this community, the key takeaway from the bear hypothetical is that it is an opportunity to truly listen to the lived experiences of women under patriarchal systems. I encourage "first response" to the bear discussion to head back to this post, as I am looking for discussion kind of after the fact. If this is your first exposure to the bear thing, head there, then pop back here after you have a good handle on the situation.

My question has two parts:

1. Positive Steps: Let's explore resources for folks to act on the things they have learned from this discussion.
2. Creating a Safe Space: During the course of the debate, it's likely that high emotions have led to lashing out and unkind words, perhaps even unintentionally directed towards men who may be survivors of SA themselves. Can we create a space here for listening and affirming one another about these potentially painful experiences?

So, I'm just assuming we've all seen the discussions about the bear.
Personally I feel that this is an opportunity for everyone to stop and think a little about it. The knee-jerk reaction from many men seems to be something along the lines of "You would choose a dangerous animal over me? That makes me feel bad about myself." which results in endless comments of the "Akchully... according to Bayes theorem you are much more likely to..." kind.
It should be clear by now that it doesn't lead to good places.
Maybe, and I'm open to being wrong, but maybe the real message is women saying: "We are scared of unknown men."
Then, if that is the message intended, what do we do next? Maybe the best thing is just to listen. To ask questions. What have you experienced to make you feel that way?
I firmly believe that the empathy we give lays a foundation for other people being willing to have empathy for the things we try to communicate.
It doesn't mean we should feel bad about ourselves, but just to recognize that someone is trying to say something, and it's not a technical discussion about bears.
What do you think?

Paywall Removed

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