depression_now!

So this is probably quite the specific question that might be pretty unusual but I guess it's probably still relatable to get rejected from people (even if I don't get answers I think it's just good for me to write this off my chest).

I 22/male am very lost in life due to my depression and anxiety.

I was searching for a place I belong for pretty much my whole life. Early on I started becoming very fascinated with America, their people and the culture. Some might argue it's just because American media is so influencial but I admired the country so much that I wanted to know and learn everything about the country and become as American as possible.

By doing that I thought Reddit is a good place to ask questions about America and learn from people who are directly from there. After very good initial experiences I sadly encountered strong hate towards me about two years ago (probably because I was asking too deep questions and haven't thought through them enough so they might've sounded ignorant/judgemental which was not my intention and I think it was a misunderstanding. [If u want further context an example would be: I asked many questions about positive topics that I admired, but during my research I also stumbled upon things people said about America that might be more negative/critical/controversial but important/valuable to know in my opinion and since I wanted to learn everything about America, both the positives and negatives, I just wanted to learn whether they were true or not because I didn't wanna be judgemental like others who rush to conclusions. So maybe they misinterpreted it as bate since the detail of human interactions gets lost in text based social media and my wording might've not been good enough]).

I tried to explain to the sub that this really hurted me and that I had no bad intentions but I only received rejection.

They said very hurtful things such as that they wish I would end my life, that I'm a loser and that I should never come to the country and it broke my soul.

Since then (about 2 years ago) I really started to lose the last fundamental passion and hope I had in life. It's like my fundamental passion got destroyed by this. It feels like the people who I deeply admired hate me and reject me and might be mean/bad people. To me it's the worst feeling I could feel, especially as a person who's already deeply lost and insecure. Maybe it's just because I'm not good enough for America anyways and I'm just fundamentally not on the same level.

I know my thinking is probably not reasonable/very foolish and doesn't make much sense but it is how my depressive/anxious OCD brain works and I can't get rid of it. I get very strong mistrust of people and this was probably the worst experience to trigger that in me.

This was literally everything to me as I deeply resonated with American culture. It gave me joy, a purpose and hope but it all crashed and I don't know what to do. I feel like my life depends on this. I'm fighting with these thoughts for probably 2 years now and asked for advice many times but just can't get over this. It's like this experience got burned into my brain and now I can't forget it anymore. When I watched Americans online it filled me with lots of joy, now every time I see an American online I get sad and depressed. And now it's like every time I see an American I have this mistrust and thought what if they might be evil, which is very unhealthy for me since I'm almost projecting it that way and obviously if you look for something bad in someone you will find something bad in someone and they will sense that and get off putted, further worsening the cycle. Reasonably this has nothing to do with America but I still can't get rid of this construct cause it might be due to my life history and my OCD/overthinking which is the worst when it applies to my idols.

I know that Reddit probably is a negative/hate filled place anyways and isn't a good representation of American people and people on there might be like that anyways because it's Reddit and it might be the same with people from any other country cause people are people and I'm way too sensitive. The problem is just that because of my interest in America and disinterest in everything else I almost exclusively only interacted with Americans in American subs. And even if I would experience something similar with a different country it just wouldn't affect me as much as the one I deeply admired and looked up to.

I wish I could be more mature in this regard but it's affecting me so deeply subconsciously. America is everything for me.

I hope someone here has some understanding for my odd situation and has some advice. I wanted to post this on the Reddit sub r/depression but even before it got published a moderator immediately banned me and argued with me that I'm not depressed and am not allowed to talk about the reason why I'm depressed even though everyone else there is talking about it. It really is a struggle living with this burden and people being so destructive and cruel.

It's probably too late anyways, knowing me I assume I will never recover from this.😞

"I almost wanted to post my thoughts and concerns over lemmy, until I realized that it was way too fucking long, so I got really angry and crushed a bottle of water that was near me, I wanted to punch a wall, but the bottle came in clutch. I am so fucking angry right now, I am fucking, RAGE."

There's no hope left for me. My health is in rapid decline, I have fibromyalgia, my limbs hurt every time I try to move them, my neck and shoulders hurt all the time too. I can't open my mouth all the way to the end, because my jaw would get stuck. I cannot speak for more than 20 minutes or so, because my throat will start to ache for hours. My eyesight is in decline, my glasses are so strong that I am starting to see edges being blurred or light behaving in strange ways. And that's only my physical health. If I was to start to talk about my mental health, paragraphs upon paragraphs would not even begin to describe my experience. In every waking second, I am in extreme pain.

For context, I live in the middle east, seeking help is not an option, making friends is not an option, I have tried many times, and decided not to. It would take about 5 or 6 years for me to even begin to see a chance of escaping this, this sickness, this place, this wasteland. So why hope? Hope for what? Everyday, my health is playing dice with me, one day I will snap, and I have snapped many times. I do not know what I will do. I have tried many ways to alleviate my "problems". I have tried meditation, and it works for a certain degree, I have tried music, and it works for a certain degree, I have tried journaling, and it is possibly the reason why I still haven't killed myself. If not for my journal and my music, I would be dead. But tonight, tonight, I have the overwhelming urge to end it. I joke many times by saying that the only reason why I haven't killed myself is because I do not have the means to do. There aren't high buildings around me, using a knife would be dumb as I would just bleed and cry, because oh no survival instincts. Pills are dumb too, as I might just throw up. I can't tie a noose, plus there's a chance of failure that I don't want to deal with.

So here I am, stuck in a limbo of suffering, as I am writing this my arms are begging me to stop typing, so I could stare at the ceiling and focus on their pain.

Here are some random copy and pastes from today's journal entry:

"Each day is more hopeless than the next. My health seems to take its toll more and more. I can't speak, move my limbs, or do anything really. My mouth starts to ache when I speak for more than 20 minutes, my limbs have been discussed extensively in many, many previous entries, my eyes are in decline, even my hearing is starting to show signs of decay. That leaves me with my brain, which is also fogged and clouded."

"I am in a very bad shape, I don't know what the future has for me. My only task right now is to survive one year of high school, I have to, I am not trying to agitate your anxiety, but the more you fail school the more years you will be stuck here. I am sick, like literally, physically, sick of this place. This place shall only bring suffering and ruin upon me.

"This place is like a void, the more I stay in it, the more it sucks out of me. I am certain that if I stay here any longer, I will kill myself."

"Chances are astronomically high, that the more I stay here, the more likely I am to kill myself."

"This place is a sickness, a plague, a fucking wasteland of carrion and decay."

"I am destroyed, I am spent, I have no energy left, no energy to think, no energy to listen, no energy to speak, no energy to plan my suicide. I wish, I wish... That all of this somehow goes away. It won't, I have to endure, decrease the pain, and cope in a healthy manner. And I am trying, trying really hard, with what little energy I have."

PS: You know what's funny? Compiling this was actually a very nice distraction, but that's what it is, a distraction, a very short one.

Art is by azaza0727

over the years ive increasingly become a reclusive insomniac, its 5:02am and i haven't slept. i work in 3 hours. i also have no friends, no family around at all either, totally isolated. i usually just sit in my room getting drunk on vodka, malts, soju, all the time. my friend group is exclusively online, and over the years we have started to drift away not for any bad reason, but just because we all have very different lives in very different parts of the country, and we all want different things out of life.

i deal with this loneliness sometimes. its easier nowadays for me, i just daydream and fantasize a lot. but it does always sink back in eventually. i also have many personality phases and watch "friendship simulator" style youtube videos. typically vlogs from people with unusual lifestyles that i want to live. but when it comes to making actual friendships, i never can. i met someone recently who resonated a lot with me. we were both megafans of the same series, and grew up in similar circumstances. our views on things were quite the same too. but when he gave me his discord, i pondered it for a while, and just decided to hide from him and to not add him. i did it with sadness in my heart though.

i know this is from friendship trauma, but it seems like every time ive tried to form friendships over the years they crash and burn. (for example, the last friendship i attempted literally ended in drama because the person ended up dating a minor, and i backed out even further into solitude not to be involved with that. my main friend group also capitulated into 3 different groups over this, i have 2 people left in my life now, both online and both usually too busy to chat.)

im not sure if any advice is even possible here, its more of a vent than anything. i feel like im going insane sometimes. but then ill just watch youtube or something and it makes my brain pseudo-satisfied with the phony social interaction. i just dont know what to do with myself.

Crossposted from https://feddit.org/post/15124486

Thought this might be of some interest here.

I'm not sure what to say, I have tried my hardest to cope with my ongoing depression for numerous reasons, although it was never this worse, not until the person I looked up to, the person I adored, the person who is closest to me, the person I love decided to emotionally abandoned me, ghosted me out of the blue, gave me cold shoulder deliberately, leading me to develop severe anxiety and emotional trauma to the point where every single second of my life feels like an hour, excruciating long hour. I stopped eating, drinking, sleeping not because I wanted to, because I physically couldn't. Everytime I shut my eyes, I would end up with my heart racing and pounding to escape my chest. I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining myself, having people not understand how big of an impact they can have on others, especially when they are important ,I spent grueling past 4 weeks basically having mini heart attacks every couple minute or so, begging my SO to realize the severity of it. Yet I was so scared of her I couldn't tell her that she's became the reason why I have this anxiety, why I cried until I fell on my knees, until I throw up, until I pass out...some say life isn't fair when I try to be selfish for once...but life seems to be fair when they are selfish? I bawled my eyes out to be heard by one person who means the world to me, no matter the situation, no one deserves to be traumatized, be emotionally abandoned..under no circumstance to this extent do they deserve to be broken down so much...that they become so dysfunctional.....Now I'm calmer than before, but suicidal, severely suicidal. I still cry a lot, but they are mostly tears rolling down my eyes thinking about the aftermath. I thought about my parents, my childhood, to avert the situation but I am emotionally drained, tired. I can no longer navigate my life. I'm offing myself on 3nd July..I don't feel anything while talking about it, I don't feel scared even standing by the edge. I prayed, meditated, I tried , cried, and cried, I begged and wailed (cried intensively) but my voice went unheard. Repeatedly. Often by the ones I held close to my heart. My dearest ones. It hurts. A lot. I wish the people who matter to me would have understood my plea, my pain, my sorrows...my apologies, but I've made up my mind now. Even I cannot stop the time anymore. 💔

I'm taking a day to tying up loose ends.

If I'm able to share a website I made of myself...my thoughts, I'm offing myself on 3rd July. I spent time with my mother and my father, although didn't go as I planned...I hoped to feel loved but issok I know they tried. 🥀 I guess this cruel world didn't deserve me. 🙂💔

I cannot navigate through life....the thought of it makes my will to end stronger. I'm tired. 🥀 Sorry

Please visit to know partially why and how.

Depression Now 🤣

Hi, I'm a 26yo male. 2025 probably have been one of the worst year of my life, I broke up with someone I loved a lot (after 6 months of relationship), I left my old therapist because he wasn't helping me anymore to seek help from another one that is just unavailable and dishorganized, I might be losing my job (because of my mental health and instability of myself and the job itself), last week I almost killed myself with xanax, lexotan, ketamine and alcohol. I blacked out 2 days. I'm heavily addicted to porn and couldn't quit after 10 years of attempts.

My therapist told me I might be having PTSD from childhood trauma, my mother was suicidal for a period of time and almost killed me one time by trying to threw me off of a cliff.

I have to take a decision before next week if keeping this job or to leave, which I cannot do for sure because I'm too fucked up and dissociated. In the peaks of my dissociation I struggle talking as well.

My new therapist was unavailable last week when I said I was suicidal, and wasn't available after my attempt, she just asked "how are you now?" From WhatsApp. This was my first attempt and it came after 5 fucking years of therapy and spent on my mental health which at this point I think was useless.

My last breakup lit the fire up, and it slowly and painfully destroyed everything around and inside me, but I'm not even disappointed at the breakup itself, I'm disappointed at the fact that I took it as the end of the world and have to start everything all fucking over again every single time, from the abyss of suicidal depression and addiction. I'm disappointed at myself mostly because I'm the way I am and I cannot bear anything without destroying my life and the life of others.

I feel consumed in the depth of my bones, fragile, needing some real rest from myself and the world.. I think there's a point if bipolar people spend a lot of time in bed, they are exhausted, I know that feeling, it's just their body trying to compensate, a biological response to their tiredness.

My only hope at this point resides into psychedelics because that's the only thing that actually did something for me, and I think I'm planning to take some LSD and face all of this once and for all. I would like to do this with a therapist, but it's hard to find one that does this and even harder after changing 2 of them already. But as I'm scared to do this alone and having a guide would be far more effective, I will try harder.. It's just that this whole situation feels unbearable and I don't really know where I'm going.

Today I also had the desire to take benzos like last week, but I knew it would end up in another SA.

I don't even know what I need.. To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home.. I would just want to sleep for 3 weeks..

hi

There we roll again.

Xanax was something like 2mg, lexotan 2.5 mg i suppose, and a glass of strong wine.. I am feeling really relaxed, like nothing matters and sleepy, but am I really in danger?

It's hard to walk straight and I kinda am forgetting what I am doing along the way.. Yesterday evening I also took another 2mg of xanax and then smoke DMT which did nothing except make me more aware of the mess I was living in.

I don't think I care if I die but I just don't want to suffer

Update 1: added another 15 drops of lexotan, it's kinda getting hard keeping count, it is 2.5mg/ml, how many drops is an ml? Should I really care? How does respiratory arrest feels like? Will I suffer? Or just fall asleep? I suppose benzos will at least ease out the pain.

Update 2: woke up a couple of hors later, taking more lexotan and see if I can lead myself to tomorrow's

Hobbies are a useless waste of time if you can't monetize them. They won't help depression either cause depression is mostly circumstanial, the only panacea for depression is having a lot of money, not being a wage slave, and having agency to make what you want in life. Oh lots of sex too.

I didn't go to the ceremony. The only reason I even got the associate degree is because I'm transferring universities for my BS in the fall, and the new one wanted me to retake some Gen Ed classes (they can't if I already hold the degree).

But, my lab partner texted me during the ceremony and now I really don't know what to do with myself.

I don't understand how I managed to keep my 4.0 with all the problems I've had over the last year or so. I was hospitalized last year for my mental disorders. This year I've lost my ability to walk and I still don't know why, despite 30+ appointments between January and now.

I feel like I should celebrate somehow, because there was a lot of sweat and tears involved in getting my school work done to a level I was satisfied with. But I have no one to celebrate with. And I don't even know what I want to do for fun anymore lol

ive always had that fear. or rather, ive always know that i am ultimately alone through various circumstances of my life and whatnot, not to mention that at the end of the day, yeah, youre supposed to be selfcaring and selfreliant enough to be comfortable with yourself or whatever but

anyways, this is just a ramble so it doesnt have much sense but, i had 50 and something bucks after finally managing to get some work here and there, but my family asked for money again, so i just gave them all of it in a fit, because im tired. its just the same. i never do anything to them; it doesnt matter i clean all the dishes, do two daily deliveries plus whatever other order they need to do, and whatever else they ask of me. it doesnt matter that they dont give me food, that i literally have no friends, that i have tried to kill myself in the past and they still insist on my depression being made up, that im just a lazy, abnormal person that doesnt get on with the program and get a job, and im just not cut out for it, man

im sick of it. im tired. and im just literally sick. fuck illegal immigration, neurodivergence, capitalism, gender dysphoria, gender roles, consumerism, and fuck not being given a. fucking choice before being put in this place i just want to die. and the best part is that it would even matter that much in the grand scheme of things, but i cant detach myself from my selfish point of view enough to shed the fear and just do it. just put a stop to it

its all so complicated and here i am just fucking whining. bemoaning to the internet because i literally have no one that will listen because everyone eventually is pushed away by some way or another i just dont know what to do. or how to do it. or i just dont know. and its not worth it. its definitely not worth it. and yet here i am

(sorry for my english, this is not my 1st language)

i dont want to live, but recently i've read on wiki that s..ide of somebody affects on average 6 folks that knew the victim of s..ide, and now i think that i just cant k.. myself because this might hurt my friends' feelings, and i dont want them to feel bad because of me. and now i dont know what should i do. i really dont like my life and im tired of anything, but at the same time i cant just leave all my friends alone w/ their own depression and just leave this world. i just dont want be the reason of anybody's progression of depression.

.

After years of caretaker's fatigue from managing my now 11-year-old's behavior issues, I signed myself up for a 3 day per week program at our local crisis center. He has been diagnosed with disruptive mood deregulation disorder and ADHD, but in all reality, he most likely has a personality disorder. In 2023, we had the police out to our house something like 27 times over Memorial Day weekend and he followed that up with 8 back to back acute stays all over our state. He was finally admitted to a residential facility after we forced DCS' hand through a psychiatric lockout.

Well, he was home for about three months before he kicked it up again, this time over boundaries placed on a Nintendo Switch. After a several day meltdown, he jumped out of a second story window onto our driveway and eloped to a stranger's house about a mile down the road. He was taken to the hospital with a pretty bad head injury and after clearing trauma, was admitted to another acute stay. Tonight was supposed to be his discharge and I am again refusing to pick him up. Tomorrow, DCS will charge me with abandonment again and I'll get to spend another year fighting them in court to try to have my son kept somewhere that he can be safe from himself.

This probably sounds uncaring. He doesn't care about me. I don't think he ever has. Or any of his family really. He built and subsequently destroyed a relationship with his 5-year-old brother over the last three months and doesn't care. He has repeatedly tried to get me arrested so he could "roll the dice on another foster placement that won't have rules on his switch". I'm so exhausted. I don't want to do any of this. I just wanted to have a happy family.

I can't even connect with my wife or younger kid anymore. I've been too busy talking to DCS or driving all over the state for visits. They celebrated Easter without me because I was at home watching the 11-year-old kick holes in the walls of our hallway.

I called the police again last weekend and I hate calling the police. I don't want them in my house and they almost never have anything beneficial to say. I needed to have him transported to the crisis center and they refused and just told me to try hitting him. DCS just says to call the police in crisis. The crisis center just ignores us because we've been there so often that our concerns are just dismissed at this point because it's a chronic behavioral issue, not something actually manageable.

So I'm just broken now. Waiting for the inevitable calls that I've abandoned my kid again, how horrible I am, and how I'm going to be punished. For wanting my kid to be safe from himself and the rest of my family to be safe from him. I've been to hundreds of family therapy sessions. I've spent months of my life living in hospitals and crisis centers because he is so entitled. I don't even know how he got this way. Maybe this is just my punishment for raising him wrong. I don't know. I was 23 when I had him and his mom abandoned him with me. I didn't know what I was doing with a kid.

I'm so exhausted. I have another session for therapy tomorrow and I just don't want to go. It's the second one and I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. I haven't slept in days. Maybe I'll get tboned on the way there and won't have to deal with it.