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我吃红烧牛肉的时候，我觉得我再在中国。你们最爱吃什么吃饭？你会说普通话吗？我只说一点点，虽然我觉得中文的语法很难但是我爱学习中文。

A lib I work with who has good politics about Palestine (shocking given his politics on basically everything else) had this to say in regards to the treatment of professors and student protesters.

All I could think was "have you been living in a cave?"

This guy actually believes the hype about America; Never mind the BLM protesters who were also arrested and given unacceptable prison sentences, never mind the national guard getting called on protesters, never mind cops killing protesters from time to time, now this is isn't America.

It's been America for a long time, I've no idea how he hasn't noticed to be honest.

Learn to code, everybody said. There's so many jobs, and they pay well. Dumbass me fell for the bait. Graduated with a degree in computer science a year and a week ago. Didn't get any internships because I didn't realize how important they are. Graduated with a 2.3 GPA because I always heard people don't care about your GPA once you graduate. If you're generous and cut out the hours from when I failed out of college the first time, it's a 2.6.

I've applied to over a thousand jobs by now. Almost entirely entry level, but I took shots at some nonspecified experience level postings once I got more desperate. I've managed to get two interviews. To add insult to injury, one of the interviewers said that their main concern with me was that I'd move on to a new job in a year or two. I couldn't do that if I wanted to, man. I'm so burnt out on how bad applying for shit sucks when I know most of these companies are throwing my application in the trash in less than 5 seconds.

I've been able to stay stable so far. I live with my parents, who are the best parents I could ever ask for. They're understanding, supportive, and want to help how they can. No worries on the living expenses front, at least, but it's not a situation that can last. In the long term, obviously, they're not gonna be around forever. In the short term, it's just going to drive me completely insane. I've used my leftover student loans and a generous graduation gift from my uncle for the non-essential stuff and managed to limit my spending to about $100 a month, but the well will dry up on that front, too.

All this is to say that I don't think I can get a job with my degree. A year long gap is a bad sign on an already weak resume. Soon it'll be as good as if I had never gone to school in the first place after I spent years forcing myself through math classes I tore my hair out over (why was this 75% of my degree again?) I've tried doing some independent game development to maybe transition in that direction, but I can't force myself to do it because the whole time I just feel like I'm wasting time I should be spending looking for a "real" job. My parents have frequently encouraged me to go get a master's while I wait for the job market to improve. After telling them for months that I didn't want to sink any more money in education (read: training) until it showed some returns, I caved and started looking into grad programs. Looks like I couldn't do it if I wanted to because lmao 2.3 GPA. I'm confident I could get a great score on the GRE, I've always done pretty fantastic on that kind of test. It's the one academic skill I have that I can brag about, honestly. But the GRE for Math would kick my ass into next week, and I'm pretty certain most MS in CS programs would want me to take it.

So I can't get a job in my major, I'm too neurotic to do anything on my own, my grades are too shit to get a graduate degree. I'm 28 now and not getting any younger. I'm beyond sick of being dependent on others. But what else can I do? Service jobs suck tremendously and don't pay enough for me to live off of anyways, especially around where I live. It'd be equivalent of choosing to live in poverty. Every road seems closed off to me. I don't know what I can do to make my way through life and I feel like even if I did, I'd be too much of a coddled loser to take that path.

Sorry for turning it into a blog, I'm basically just some random failson whining. Anybody relate?

Edit: Thanks for the replies, everybody. Feeling a little bit less down. Probably gonna try and make some contributions to a FOSS project and get a job at a grocery store or something while I still live at home.

It's NOT because I'm fucking "lazy" though, it's a whole bunch of things.

Obviously there is executive dysfunction involved, like being fired back in mid April obliterated the life schedule I've had since I was 18, fuck I worked that place for a long time. Just being dumped back at home with nothing to reliably get up for, no occupation to put effort into, is disturbing and frankly it's alarming that I have any kind of consistent sleep schedule at all. Say "thank you wifey" to my wife for keeping me from becoming a completely unhinged 'neet'.

So I haven't even updated my resume or applied for jobs, for a ton of reasons. Partly it's because I am unemployable, like I have maybe the one reference from my supervisor at my previous job, that is it. I worked there like six years so Idk, what am I supposed to do? I do not have skills or anything, that stupid ass cleaning job was sort of it.

But primarily it's because I'm fuckin busted. The chronic pain (undiagnosed and unexplained pain at the base of the skull + pain in the sternum area, thought to be costochondritis + extreme fatigue and exhaustion all the time) started out five or so years ago as a mild annoyance, but at this point it's so bad that I can't even carry a load of laundry down the hall without risk of ending up in pain all day. That's with tramadol (yes I need different painkillers) too, without I'm borderline nonfunctional, only really capable of walking, and even then only for like 30mins at a time. What job could I even do like this? It has to get fucking solved, and I've been bothering my gp about it more. Several of my lengthy absences from work were taken with the hope of fixing this problem though, and years on it hasn't happened so I am not hopeful.

Basically I've been sitting on my ass because the painkillers aren't really powering my corpse anymore. I can only do this due to Employment Insurance money, no idea how long that'll last. I told em I'm unable to work due to illness or injury, which at this point is true, I got fired for taking too many breaks in the interest of not completely destroying my body. I want this fixed, it's getting worse.

weird. Baby is a little cutie though. But for real I guess it shows how far I've come as a person because I used to drink myself to death over shit related to her and emotions I couldn't process.

Next call is Friday morning, let's fucking go!

I was going to go to a thing today but I cancelled my plans because I am so tired. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Not as though I do any other kind but it still fucking sucks, play by play, this is what happened:

I spent a good hour curating my basket and got ready to check out. I had the option to check out as guest or log in to my existing account.

I got a bad feeling about this site in case I lost my entire basket, this has happened often enough that it's something I now feel nervous about, but it will probably make returns easier, better log in to be on the safe side.

That's weird. Seems I already have an account, but no password to be found. No matter, I go to reset it.

They send a reset email, I follow the instructions, reset my password, and it asks me to log in again. Alarm bells start ringing. I ignore them. I click log in.

Session expired.

All my shit is gone.

I fucking knew this would happen.

I furiously cmd + shift + T and add all my stuff back, but I only have half the items, seems I hit the tab history limit. Fucking killl meeeeeeeeeeee.

Then I spend another half an hour pain stakingly scrolling through my history and re-adding each item one by one until finally I'm done, ready to check out again. So I go to checkout.

I see the option to register for a premium account and get free next day shipping and unlimited free returns. Interesting. I figured I was intending to return a lot of this stuff anyway, and I need it soon, so for a few extra quid why not.

As soon as I added premium to my basket and went to pay, it asks me to login again. Jesus Christ not this again. I quickly open up all of my shit in other tabs, just in case, but it doesn't happen. Actually what happens is all the shit I added originally is instantaneously retrieved from the ether, and now I have double of everything. That's not the worst that could have happened, at least, but I wish I could get that half hour of my life back.

Then I see the option to pay later by Klarna. Nice. As I said, probably going to return a lot of this stuff, so may as well buy now, return what I don't want and pay the balance.

Klarna opens a new window, and nothing loads. Fine. I'll pay by card. Let me try the Amex.

Payment declined.

Bullshit, I watched you, you didn't even try to take the payment. But whatever. I'll try again with another card.

Payment declined.

Fuck you, I know you didn't even try. I know I have money. Probably my shitty furry browser being shit again, so instead I open Chrome and go through all this again.

I log in, go to checkout, figure I'll try Klarna again, and damn. Klarna is registered to my old phone. They want me to take a photo of my face and upload my driving license to reset it. I don't know how long that's going to take. I can't be fucked. It's 11.30pm now and I look like complete shit. Let's try my cards again.

Payment declined. Try the other one, same thing. Shit. Guess it's Klarna then.

I go through all the 2fa again, take a photo of my driving license, take a photo of myself looking like Ted Kasckinski and wait, and thankfully the whole thing clears in like 2 minutes. God damn though, this shit took me over an hour.

Anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I have so much work to DOOOOOO aaaaaagh stop procrastinating

Aaaagh how do I get motivated?

I recall when I found a wikipedia article talking about the oil for food program in Iraq, where the human rights coordinator there quit his post so he could criticize the sanctions on Iraq as a genocide, and his replacement also quitting and saying the same thing; the UN's response? They wanted to quibble over the term 'genocide', even though they're being informed that many, many people were going to die.

Today, in regards to Israel, the discussion is seriously about whether or not the term 'genocide' is apropos, when the real issue here is that over 30,000 people have died, and food, water and medicine are being withheld.

Call it whatever the hell you want, just put a damn stop to it already; these actions are killing in the former a million people, and in the latter at least over 30,000 people and rising.

If this was happening to a Western country no one would entertain for a moment having a discussion on whether or not this is a genocide, everyone would be bending over backwards to put a stop to it; no one would care what you call it. For the last several months, Israel has been dropping bombs intended for fortified military targets on civilian centers; on apartment buildings and vital infrastructure. If this was happening to France or Germany, would the discussion in public right now actually be about whether the attacks fall under genocide or just typical war acts, or would everyone be in agreement that they need to come to an end because these attacks are unacceptable?

Hell, we have the answer already when Iran attacked military targets in Israel and that British politician on TV (no idea who he was; he was the guy who was asked by the reporter if Britain would respond had their own embassy been attacked and he said Britain's response would be strong) was talking about imagine how horrific it would have been had it struck a civilian center.

Cheers, yall, this is bottle #2

$1000+ for rent? Are you kooky?!

Can't even afford a grill these days.

I quit my job this morning. I’d like to think it was for good reasons, not that anyone needs a good reason to fuck off to greener pastures.

A little background: usually at work, my service calls are already lined up for the day, when I arrive in the mornings. I get my clipboard with a printout of the day’s agenda. This morning’s agenda had everything spelled out except for a 11am service call. Instructions simply said “meet maintenance at office at X complex, they will escort you to the unit you will be working in.” Fair enough, sometimes maintenance likes to act like the gatekeeper and I have to deal with pissy maintenance guys who feel professionally snubbed because Im on site to do the work instead of them.

Except when I arrived it was a property manager, two maintenance workers and three cops. I knew right away what the jig was. Forced service disconnects for non payment. Not the first time Ive been in this situation.

Since the complex in question is on an old common meter setup there is no way for the city to just flip a switch and shut off individual service remotely. In cases like this, Im supposed to be the switch flipper.

Because there is no individual shutoffs, I am supposed to enter a stranger’s apartment, go to each individual fixture (each lavatory, each water closet, kitchen sink, water heater etc) shut the stops off, then physically remove the handles and cut the stems off and render the shutoff inoperable. Then, after the tenant makes arrears, they are required to call a plumber, set an appointment, and have said plumber come and install all new stops/shutoffs. On their own dime.

Once I figured out whats going on, I told my apprentice I was refusing the call and we were moving down the list. Didnt even tell the complex manager I was leaving. When I got to my next service call about ten minutes later, the GPS on my service truck ratted on me. It tells the office when I arrive at the physical location of my service calls. Office manager at the shop wants to know how I finished the disconnects inside ten minutes? Told her I refused the calls, and that they would have to reschedule with someone else. Manager says there is no one else, and I have to go back, right now. I told her I’d drop my apprentice off with another journeyman and I’d be in to the shop to hand in my truck keys and clear my personal shit from the office. I was pretty explicit that my apprentice didnt have any choice in my decisions and that it was mine alone. He is an 18 year old kid with a newborn at home. He shouldnt be made to suffer for my choices.

I start at another shop Monday.

In all likelihood, I only bought the tenants until Tuesday or Wednesday to get squared up with the complex office. The complex office isnt likely to call the shop I used to work at again, so it’ll take a few days to schedule another shop to deal with it. The police escort will have to be rescheduled. I have doubts as to whether I did anything to benefit the folks living in these units but I have to hold out some hope that its enough time for them to figure something out. Its all I could come up with on the spot.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TEDx talk.

I'm moving back home to the UK after living in Japan for 11 years. I noticed a westerner at the boarding gate with his feet up on the seats opposite him. I thought that was incredibly rude, especially as he had his shoes, which Japanese people normally remove when putting their feet on something people sit on, but I didn't dwell on it.

After boarding the plane, he walked past my seat, and I noticed he was carrying the book "The Real Anthony Fauci". I wasn't familiar with the book, and although I think there are things Fauci deserves to be criticized for, it just screamed conspiratorial chud. I decided to wait until I had WiFi access and could Google the book before passing judgement, and it turned out some people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Things certainly aren’t perfect, I mean look at the shit-hole I woke up in:

Hi Creamsicle.

”It smells like a cat in here.”

But for the first time, really in my entire fucking life, I feel like things are working out. I spent too much for a car to be realistic in the short term, but I still have quite a bit, and that fun DIY gig I was fundraising for is actually starting to happen.

(I may have to beg for money again, for an eye exam and glasses, so I don’t have to deplete my savings too much.)

I’m even starting—maybe, “starting” means as of today, and I’ve only been up for two hours—to do less drugs.

I actually want for my life to get better, not for want of them to come back but for my own wellbeing.

But still, I really really really really really can’t live with the idea that they’re gone forever. I have to tell myself that once I’m better (parta why I twacked out on them is because of how shit my life was then) they will want to be friends with me again. There was a time when they wanted to be friends with me, before I started acting like a weirdo. And they’re the type of person who, I think, would be understanding if someone were to genuinely change. Sometimes I think there’s a chance this is tough love anyways—they know that if they talk to me it would be like giving vodka to an alcoholic. It’s easy for me to think of them as a mean bitch who’s just fucking tired of my shit and doesn’t care anymore, but they’re such a sweet person. I’ve never known them to be that mean nasty bitch they are in my head.

It makes me so angry when people tell me to move on. They really don’t understand. I’m moving on as much as I can. But I’ll never not hope that I’ll see them again. A friend of mine told me he’s confident that I will—I kinda think he’s full of shit but who knows.

How can I get back at them

Well--

"There ain't no covid no more--there never was no covid!"

It protects me from a wide variety of things.

"What, you believe in aliens too?"

Sure, why not?

An actual conversation I had with a trucker the other day.

And I’m all out of bubblegum

Widened my search even more this past weekend, and it seems like it paid off! Another tech job, but one that I could temporarily get behind until I'm back on my feet. Just a phone interview, but gonna go read over the description so I know what to hammer on.

It's gotten to the point where even the mildest effective leftism will have at least one idiot crying tankie.

I've seen a lot of anarchists get called tankies even.

I want to meet people around my age who I can spend lots of time with either romantically or just friends or something. I have recently just turned 21 years old and I have never really dated anyone in real life or even kissed anyone. I don't have a job, I don't drive and I still live with my parents. I am really just a talentless fool trying to be some sort of artist and taking community college classes without any real idea or direction in life. Am I even deserving of love and friendship here in the 21st century? I want to be a better person but I don't know if I have the strength to become who I want to really be on my own. Being socially isolated for so long has really affected my mind a lot and how I view myself. I don't really know what I am or how I can fit in with any group of people. I need some sort of social validation. I would like to have at least one person who understands me well who I can share anything with. What would be the least terrible option for me to meet local strangers via the internet? Or is there some better way of meeting people that I have not considered?