Ya girl is back again with another lifedump :3
On the good news from this week, I've found a new primary doctor nearby! Even though I totally don't look the part, the staff used my preferred name and the doctor started out the visit confirming my name and pronouns. I felt totally comfortable and respected by what were essentially strangers to me to start and it gave me some sort of hope... I want to be addressed like me in the future with anyone new I meet. We discussed things like my dysphoria and my own plans to get started on HRT. At no point did he undermine my feelings or try and push back (I'm healthy all else considered), and he even gave me tips on looking for a therapist that has experience with trans people, since it can be hard to find one, much less one that is actually helpful. I'll be sticking with this doctor and location unless something weird happens.
After my appointment was done my friend called me and while we were talking he complimented my voice!! I've been testing it when I'm out and about but especially with my closer friends because I know they'll provide feedback. In all honesty I don't think I've gotten super far with it, but I'll continue working on it in short bursts whenever I can :3 All of the positive stuff has been affirming to me every step of the way and helped my imposter syndrome quiet down.
But what goes up must come down...
Following from my last post, I sorted out a lot of things with my mom. We're on good terms again, but not in the way you'd hope. After her very averse reaction to my coming out to her, we talked more. She gave a lot of selfish reasons for why I shouldn't be the way I am, quoted her God, and continues to send me old pictures of myself and talk about the man she needs in the house for now and later when she gets older. She even had audacity to reiterate her hope of me finding a (girl) partner and marriage later in life as if those were still a possibility, completely undermining my negative feelings on romance and relationships. She repeats that "I'm too young to know what I want", that this will pass, and that I just need to find the right girl to date. I'm honestly glad she's told me how she truly feels about "me" and what that fantasy version of my happiness looks like in her head, because we'd never talked about it before now. I know now that she doesn't want me to be myself, she wants me to have success in her very specific idealized way where she can hold "me" up as a trophy to herself and others.
Honestly, in those moments I lost all my endearment towards her. I never thought I'd ever feel this way about my mom. I don't feel sad about it, but it's crazy that any true relationship with her is just... done in my head. From that moment on, I knew that being around her would simply be a game of survival and nothing more. So I started by playing the game.
I told her that everything would be ok and that "I'm honestly quite over it." I told her that we didn't need to worry about this anymore and that our lives would continue onward. To end it off, I told her that I made a promise to myself to stop lying and avoiding her questions and concerns, and that I would continue with that promise moving forward. Nothing like a bit of irony to soften the mood... but nonetheless she was satisfied. From now on I’ll continue to draw out my life with as little of her as possible, without feeling any guilt for it.
I've never told her that my friends already know and call me by my real name. She doesn't know about my clothes. She doesn't know what I've discussed with my doctor or why I'm really searching for a psychiatrist (besides my potential ADHD). She doesn't know that before I told her I'd already taken a look at so many resources linked from this community and you all (❤️❤️) that helped me realize that what I feel is real, that following her advice will make me suffer, and has helped me plan out my transition. Best of all, I have no obligation and vow never to tell her the truth until it's plainly obvious and she can't stop me. She had one shot to support the real me and it's blown.
In the short term, I’ll need to continue “playing the game”, keep up appearances at home no matter the cost, lie whenever I need to make things work and take advantage of the privilege of family I took for granted, because I know now that I'm on borrowed time. I’ll have to keep my friends who support me the closest because at this point they are the only ones I can trust to keep me sane in my day-to-day. I’ll need to keep any clothes, accessories, tools or medication I get related to transition hidden, and there’s no room for error. I'll need a more consistent job to save more money for later. I need to head off to college and will most definitely find a place I can stay/dorm because I need space to grow.
In the long term, I'll need to find a place for myself, and I'll need to get full control of everything I don't already, slowly, like my phone plan, my homelab, health insurance, etc... not trying to place deadlines or make any specific plans because so many things can change and progress isn't linear, but I need to be quicker about it than most.
It feels daunting but at least I can see a future for myself, my true self. In a fucked up way I'm again glad I know that my mom doesn't want the best for me. It's helping motivate me towards becoming independent, which in itself is a good thing but now that it's required... gotta get to it!
